how big is your faith?

Sometimes my faith is small.  Tiny.  Miniscule.  I have watched God move mountains in my life and yet with each new bump in the road or hill on the horizon, I doubt that He will move it.  It's not that I doubt God's power or even His love for me.  I know that I serve a mighty God, and that He loves me with this deep, extraordinary, sacrificial love.  I believe that He desires to bless me and give me life abundant.  And yet at times, I bring the desires of my heart before my Heavenly Father with great hesitation.  I tell myself that it's because I don't want to put God in a box - to create parameters with my human limitations.  I convince myself that I actually have great faith, because by not asking God to provide a specific answer, I am being open to whatever He has in store for me.  I almost convince myself anyways. And I'm certain that God isn't buying it.


The truth is that when it comes to requests that matter - those things I hope and long for deeply, I am so very afraid of being disappointed.  I know that when God closes a door, it is for good reason and there is something better in store.  But sometimes there is a pause, a waiting period between when that door is closed and when I see that what was behind that door was so much less than what God wanted for me.  It's during that pause, that waiting, that I should be leaning into my Father, trusting in His promises and remembering His faithfulness in my life.  But instead, most of the time I just wish I had never asked God to open the door in the first place.  I don't care what God has for me in that moment, I only know that I am disappointed.  And disappointment has a way of morphing into doubt and eating away at your faith.  Until it's small.  Tiny.  Miniscule.


This week God taught me a lesson I hope to never forget.  Isabel has a friend who's family recently moved here from another country and they have been waiting for their visas to come through.  As time went on and the visas didn't come when they were supposed to, Isabel became anxious and was worried that her friend would have to move away.  She prayed for her at home and at church - she wrote her prayers on scraps of paper and spoke them tearfully at bedtime.  And I was fearful, so very fearful that God would not open this door and she would be disappointed.  I never came out and told her that God might not answer her prayer the way she hoped, but I also didn't tell her to ask God with faith that He would provide the visas.  Instead of building her faith and teaching her to trust her Heavenly Father, I stood back and let her stand on her own, holding my breath and hoping for the best.  

little BFFs - Isabel's friend drew this for her after they met and played for the first time.  

God came through anyways.  Thankfully He isn't limited by my lack of faith.


When I shared the news with Isabel, she was ecstatic of course.  And we immediately thanked God for answering her prayer.  But I truly believe I missed an opportunity to train up my daughter.  Our prayer of thankfulness was filled with relief; as we exhaled our doubts and fears were finally released.  But I missed the opportunity to teach my daughter what it feels like to believe with unshaken certainty that God will move your mountain and then step aside in peace and confidence as you watch God make it happen.  Answered prayer is always good, but it's so much better when it isn't tainted by your doubts.  




Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Sure of what we hope for.  That's what I want for my girls - a faith that is sure and certain.  Big faith.  Giant, God-inspired, unbridled faith.  And it has to start with me.  Is God always going to give me exactly what I want?  No, and in the pause that follows I want to stand firm and be certain of what I do not see.  I don't need to protect my girls from disappointment, because God never truly disappoints.  My faith - their faith - our faith, is in very good hands.