So I meant to write a post last week. I had good intentions, even a few ideas, but it just didn't happen. To tell the truth, it was a rough week. The kind that leaves you wondering "Where is God in all of this?" We spent the weekend at my parents' house, swimming in their pool and enjoying the sunshine and as I watched my beautiful girls laughing and splashing and just so full of life, it was much easier to see God all around me. I feel like I'm in this place, as I travel on my spiritual journey, where the path is winding and difficult, and while I want God to show me what's up ahead - to shine a light that illuminates my path and makes everything clear - He is asking me to trust Him, lighting the way for the next step, and just that next step. It's frustrating at times, maddening even, but I'm learning to rely and depend on my Father in a way that I've never had to do before.
God often chooses to teach me lessons through my kids. These little people, who are growing so fast that I can barely keep up, often reflect the image of their Creator in a way that takes my breath away. Last night I took the girls for a hair cut and Isabel, who had been growing out her long, thick hair for a year just so she could donate it, was so completely ecstatic that today was finally the day!!!!! She was so excited to bless someone who is fighting cancer that she didn't even flinch when they cut off not one, but two 9" pigtails. Check it out:
Other times my kids reflect my image in a way that suddenly makes me see a flaw in myself that I had never noticed before. There are also times that I find myself lecturing them about some behavior, and as I find myself thinking "why won't they just (fill in the blank)?!?" I hear a still small voice in my head saying "I've been wondering the same thing about you." Tonight I had such a revelation, and I must admit, it stung a bit. Let me set this up for you...
It was a long day. After a long week. At the end of May when we're all ready for it to just. be. summer. already!!! Matt was working late, the girls came home from school and each had a meltdown within minutes, our three year old woke up from her nap all kinds of crabby and then proceeded to pee all over the bed. For the second time today. So I sent the older girls outside to play and as I'm trying to clean up our house, which seemed to have imploded overnight, Sofi comes in shrieking that she has a tick. Second one in a week. Usually I can remove them, but this one was a stickler, so off to urgent care we went. Sofi was hysterical (thank God for her Grandma who is a nurse and can calm the girls down in a "medical emergency" which usually ranges from scraped knees, to, well, ticks). We come home, I throw dinner together (I don't cook, in case you forgot so when I put food on the table it's like a small miracle). Finally, it's bath and then bedtime. I could feel myself chugging along, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." And then it hit. Bombaloo. What? You've never heard of Bombaloo? It's based on a book, entitled Bombaloo in which a little girl, who is normally sweet and well behaved turns into a temper tantrum throwing terror. One of my girls, I won't say which one, went totally Bombaloo. Crying, shrieking, screaming like the world was surely ending. I couldn't even tell you why it started but once it did, I could swear the walls started to shake. Of course the windows were open and our neighbors who were sitting outside got some entertainment with their dinner. So I brought the bedtime routine to an abrupt halt and sent her to bed. I found my best Love and Logic (another fav parenting book of mine) voice and said "I'm sorry but you've used up all of my energy and I won't be able to help you shower and get ready for bed tonight. Hopefully we'll be able to do it in the morning." Ok, don't be impressed - my calm collected voice was sandwiched by a frustrated rant and a couple of ridiculous threats (ie: I'm going to have you call your father!!!!!... despite the fact that he is in a meeting and probably won't even answer the phone). And off to bed she went, kicking and screaming. Literally. My kids have this thing, where they will sit in their beds weighing their desire or need or whatever to get out of bed to just to see my face/hear my voice against the impending consequence of that action. It's both flattering and incredibly annoying. Seriously, they will walk out of their room, face the consequence of their disobedience, and act like it's totally worth it. So my hysterical, Bombaloo, banished to her room daughter comes out not just once, but twice to try to pay penance for her bad behavior. The first time she offered me a dollar - "please, mom, I'm sorry and I want you to take this." Nothing asked for in return, just some sort of peace offering because she just hates to get into trouble (not enough to not get in trouble in the first place, though). So I told her that she could show she's sorry by going to bed. And then staying there. A few minutes pass and she's back out (still crying hysterically, by the way), this time trying to give me her candy bar, which she bought with her own money and has stashed away for some wonderful occasion. She's standing there, crying and begging me to just take the candy, and I hear myself saying, "I don't want your candy, I want your obedience." And that's when it hit me - that's all God wants from me as well.
How many times do I do the same thing my daughter was trying to do - giving God what I want to give Him instead of giving Him what He asks: my obedience. I can think of several times over this past week even, as I've looked at what God is calling me to do, and I've said to myself "this is too much. It's too hard. If I could just do this instead..." God says "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:1) and I answer, "I think it would be better if I helped you out, moved things along a bit, made a Plan B." God says "...be patient in affliction" (Romans 12:12) and I respond, "of course, but let me just chart out the course I'll be following in the meantime." God says to "Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7) and I reply "in a moment, or after I spend a few nights tossing and turning and wallowing in self-pity." God says "Give thanks in all circumstances..." (1 Thess. 18) and I pout "if only I had ______ then I would be really thankful for it!" God commands "If you love Me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15) and I pretend I'm not sure what He means, and offer up my favorite candy bar in return.
I really did appreciate my daughter's giving heart, as she tried to offer me that candy bar. I didn't turn her down because I was rejecting her gift, or because I didn't appreciate her love for me. The lesson she needed to learn, however, was obedience. If she had simply obeyed, she would have felt far less pain, avoided a great deal of frustration, and in the end, felt the comfort of what she really needed - forgiveness. I hurt when she hurts, but as her mom I know that some lessons must be learned even if they're difficult. Scripture paints the picture of a Heavenly Father who also hurts when we hurt. But because He loves us, He will allow the pain we incur as a result of our disobedience - He won't give up on us when there is an important lesson to be learned. He'll continually put us on paths that stretch and strengthen us and mold us into His likeness. And sometimes He'll use our children to teach us a lesson along the way. My takeaway: eat the candy bar, give God your obedience instead.
Take a moment to examine your heart and life - in what areas is God asking for your obedience? In what areas are you withholding your obedience and offering God something else instead?
While Matt's away in San Diego for the week (rough, I know), I'm left to run the house. I have this habit of planning cramming an insane amount of activity into the weeks that Matt is away, and once I realize he will be away for that week, I have a minor meltdown. Take this week for example: I signed up to teach an extra class at work, take the kids to dance... in Rockford (1.5 hours roundtrip, for a 30 min class), bake something for a church event, do our first DCFS licensing meeting, run the Mother's Day party for my class, attend the Mother's Day spa for Sofi's class, and take the girls to their dance recital rehearsal (again, in Rockford). At this very moment, my poor little 3 year old is snoring on the couch because she doesn't have enough time to take a proper nap today. By Saturday morning when Matt returns, who knows what sort of basket case I'll be. I have great appreciation for all the single moms of the world and offer up a prayer that your children fear you more than mine fear me. For reasons unbeknownst to me, the kids have a tendency to save their best behavior for when dad is around, so when I lament about a long and terrible day, he looks at me like I've lost my mind or our children (not really, but that's how I interpret it). So this could be the week I'm crowned Super Mom or Super Failure Mom. All that to say, I really appreciate my husband. It's hard for me to imagine a week without him, and I can't even begin to comprehend my life without him. In a world filled with couples throwing in the towel, I find myself shaking my head in amazement at how a marriage can get to that point. But while our marriage is pretty amazing, if I do say so myself, I must be honest and say that it hasn't always been that way. Good marriages take a lot of work and ours is no exception.
People always say that you should never have children in order to save your marriage, and that is probably sound advice, but I can honestly say that having children drastically improved ours. Before the girls were born, we fought all the time. I would guess that we were fighting more than we were getting along. And by fighting, I meant that we were passive-aggresively dropping sarcastic comments and then avoiding an actual confrontation. Because we are both classically conflict-avoidant. We were young and immature and extremely self-centered. I can say "we" because I'm sure that Matt would agree and even if he wouldn't, he's in San Diego so if you don't tell him, he'll never know. So here we were, a couple of years into our marriage and almost a decade into our relationship and we were bickering like little kids. Enter our firstborn. Our beautiful, perfect, scream though the night little baby girl. If Matt has nerves of steel, than I have nerves of jello (or something equally jiggly and unstable) when it comes to screaming newborns who won't be consoled in the middle of the night when I'm sleep deprived and recovering from a C-section. All of the things that previously drove me crazy about my husband, seemed insignificant to the point of ridiculous when he became a professional baby-swaddler who would walk said screaming baby around our house for hours in the middle of the night, listening to Ray Charles on his ipod like it was the most normal thing in the world. As we adjusted to life as parents, responsible for another human being who could care less what we "needed," we packed up our self-centeredness - our concern with what "I" deserved and what "you" owed me - and we just grew up. Nothing like a baby to show you how much you've been acting like a... well... baby.
Fast forward 7 years, and Matt is this amazing husband who cooks and does late-night or early-morning emergency Walmart runs for milk or cereal or dance tights for the girls (true story). And I like to think I do a better job of supporting his insane busy schedule, nag him less about the small stuff, and am a far better partner in ministry. To be honest, I don't think that any of our basic faults that drove each other crazy in our pre-parent days have changed. He still occasionally forgets to take out the trash and I still occasionally overreact very late at night when the house is a mess and I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! He is still Mr. Positivity to the point of being unrealistic at times and I am still Miss Worry-Pants to the point of missing the good that is all around me at times. We are still conflict-avoidant (which we're working on). But we're in this together, and we don't just need each other - we appreciate each other. I may get frustrated that he's away again, but I open the fridge and find a strawberry cream cheese pie that he made for us when he should have been prepping for his conference, and I remember how hard he works to make us happy. This summer we'll celebrate 10 years of marriage and I will reveal to the world all of our secrets for a successful marriage (that gives me a few months to figure out what those secrets are). But for now, I offer you this: in any relationship, commit fully, sacrifice without keeping score, and focus on the positive.
We commonly apply the verse Philippians 4:8 ("Whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things") to TV viewing or other issues requiring a moral compass. But it was recently pointed out to me that Paul was addressing fellow Christ-followers who were in conflict and were dragging everyone down with them. This verse is meant for believers who are experiencing "irreconcilable differences" (obviously excluding serious issues that Scripture addresses). Typical, petty, nagging issues that can eat at and destroy relationships over time. Paul is pleading, "focus on the positive." Address the major issues, deal with them, work to resolve them. But when it comes to the "small things" just get over it.
This week I was forced to given the opportunity to put this verse to practice. While Matt was away, a neighbor of ours went missing ("no foul play suspected" is the official word). We live in small town suburbia where nothing interesting, good or bad, ever happens so there is a no-holes-barred intensive investigation going on around here. Seriously, there is an RV marked "Mobile Command Center" parked in front of the clubhouse, K9 units, Search and Rescue, Emergency Response, Sheriff and police vehicles, official looking people riding around in golf carts, and a helicopter doing sweeps over our house. It's like a scene from CSI or something. I'm feeling horribly self-centered using this situation to make a point about me, but here it is anyways. So I'm getting pretty nervous scared out of my wits with all this chaos going on and I'm trying to settle the kids into bed and then I call Matt. Who offered me kind and reassuring words and said he wished he was there with us acted like he had no idea what I was worried about. Mr. Positivity's response? "Well, I guess our neighborhood is probably the safest place in the world tonight with all of those cops around so that's good." At which point I dropped it so as to avoid any conflict. Once I hung up the phone I confess my thoughts were not very reflective of Philippians 4:8. Now I was scared out of my wits and extremely irritated, and I just wanted to be mad. But God just wouldn't let me. He's persistent like that. That verse kept coming to my mind and as much as I wanted to hold a grudge, I knew I had to join the not-so-dark side and think positive. I reminded myself of the pie in the fridge. And the little homework sheets and behavior charts Matt had made the kids before he left. I admitted to myself that 99% of the time I am so appreciative of Matt's positive attitude and the calm and sense of gratitude it brings to our family. Little by little, the conversation that had reflected the 1% of the time I hate Matt's positive attitude seemed insignificant. This wasn't a big issue, it didn't involve a fatal flaw in Matt's character or reflect a deep and unresolved problem in our marriage. I'm sure he was trying to be reassuring in a logical and look-on-the-bright-side kind of way. I'm absolutely sure that he is the perfect antidote to my worry-about-the-worst-case-scenario disease. See how that works? I went from privately sulking to publicly bragging about what a great guy my husband is. This Bible stuff really works... I should try it out more.
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Who in your life tends to get on your nerves? Remember, we're talking minor differences and petty problems. How would your relationship with that person change if you applied Philippians 4:8? Give it a try for a week, or if you're really brave, a month. Then check in and let us all know how it worked - I'd love to hear your stories!
Tonight I overheard Sofi talking to an audience made up of some of her favorite plush pals. They were having a meeting, and Sofi informed them that they had been chosen because they were either oviparous or farm animals, which is apparently what they are studying in kindergarten these days. For those of you wondering how to pronounce let alone identify an oviparous animal, they are animals that lay eggs (and don't be embarrassed if you aren't smarter than a kindergartener - I had to google the word to find out how it's spelled).
If you're wondering how this is going to fit into this week's post and our family's faith journey, wonder no more. It absolutely doesn't fit in. However, it was a funny story that depicts life in the Guevara household, so I wanted to include it.
On to more spiritual matters...
Lately I've been studying this book called Respectable Sins with a community group. It's about sins that are considered, well, respectable. It's a real zinger for those of us who were raised in the church and generally consider ourselves less sinful than "the world." To be perfectly honest, I hate the book. Mostly because it makes me feel awful, and I generally like to feel good about myself. I have nicknamed the book "Despicable Me" which makes Matt laugh. And I like to make him laugh.
Back to the book...
You know the saying, "the truth hurts"? It could be a subtitle for Despicable Me Respectable Sins. Let me clarify that just because I hate this book doesn't mean that it's not worth reading. I have some qualms with some of the author's theology, but I have just enough theological training to make me overly opinionated but under qualified to debate on said theology. The premise of the book is that we as Christ followers are often proficient at pointing out the more "overt" sins in others, primarily those who aren't as far along as us in our spiritual journey. However, we often overlook the more subtle or "respectable" sins that are prevalent in our own life; sins which hinder our relationship with God and are no less grievous to His Spirit. God's Word addresses these sins throughout Scripture and He wants to change and transform us so that these sins no longer hold us back. The process by which God changes us and molds us into His image often involves a level of discomfort, even pain at times. Sort of like training for a long distance race. Michelle Anthony writes in her book Spiritual Parenting (huge fan of this book. If you are a parent, you should buy it immediately. And then actually read it) that as parents we often see patterns of "sin" or "misbehaviors" in our kids and these patterns are often a sign that God has a work that He wants to do in their life (summary is mine - she writes it far more eloquently!). How much more exciting is it to deal with these behaviors from the perspective of God doing a work in their life v. me having to control or manage their behaviors on my own!
This week I was volunteering in Isabel's classroom and I overheard her venting about her BFF. Despite being BFFs (or maybe as a qualification of being BFFs - girls are silly that way), they fight and make up almost daily. She didn't say anything horrific or nasty about her friend; it was a brief comment that simply conveyed frustration, but since I had just finished the chapter on "Sins of the Tongue" I was especially tuned in to what Ephesians 4:29 refers to as "unwholesome talk." The verse states "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Since it wasn't the time or place for a heart to heart, I gave her my best "mom look" which ended her conversation and I left it at that.
A couple of days went by before I had some time with her to revisit what I felt God was trying to teach us this week. I shared with her what I had learned in my study and read to her Ephesians 4:29. I reminded her how I had recently lashed out at her, saying "you are always crying!" And I pointed out that the Bible has a word for that - slander. I had not only used "unwholesome talk" but my exaggeration was actually a lie - obviously I knew she doesn't always cry. As we worked through the verse, defining new words and applying it to her situation at school, Isabel became very upset. My sweet and very sensitive child has an extremely low tolerance for guilt. If she even suspects she's done something less than perfect, she shuts down, curls up into a ball, and refuses to even look at me. So as she was curled up on my bed, blanket pulled over her head and crying "I don't want to talk about it" I realized that God had more to teach her. You see, God doesn't point out our sins just so that we can feel terrible about them. Michelle Anthony has this great quote in her book: "The end goal for us as parents is to conduct Gods discipline in our children's lives in such a way that they experience healing from their sin." Yes, God was teaching both of us to honor Him and build others up with our words. But He was also using this situation to address Isabel's struggle with guilt. I recited Romans 8:1 to her which says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Since the concept of "condemnation" isn't regularly studied in 1st grade, she was confused. This is how I explained it:
When the Holy Spirit points out your sin, it's like a tap on the shoulder. He is
getting your attention, pointing out your sin. Once you are aware of your sin,
you can confess it to God, who has promised to forgive you. That "guilty"
feeling is the Holy Spirit making us uncomfortable with our sin so we can
change and become more like Jesus. But once our sin is confessed and
forgiven, we don't need to feel guilty. The Holy Spirit doesn't keep tapping
you on the shoulder just to make you feel pain.
Satan, however, loves to make you feel guilty. He doesn't want you to be
forgiven. So he keeps tapping you on the shoulder, causing you pain,
reminding you of your sin and making you feel guilty.
But you don't have to listen to him.
When that happens, you can fight back with God's words - remind him that
you are forgiven, that God loves you, and that there is no condemnation for
you.
I don't know that my explanation is 100% theologically sound, but it seemed to hit home with Isabel. For effect, I continually tapped her on the shoulder as I talked about guilt, and while she giggled until the tapping got annoying and slightly painful (at which point I stopped, because I don't condone child abuse during object lessons EVER), she definitely got the idea. I'd like to think that from here on out she'd never struggle with guilt, but if she does, I am confident that God will continue the work that He began in her. A work that never fails. A work that brings healing. A work that redeems.
As a parent, I can't know or predict what my children will grow up to do or be. I can't fully prepare them for a future I can't foresee. But God knew the course of their lives before they took their first breath, and He is working in them to make them exactly who He created them to be. Today's work was healing from guilt. Tomorrow's work, only God knows.
What is God working on in your life? In the lives of your children?
