Join the Not-So-Dark Side

While Matt's away in San Diego for the week (rough, I know), I'm left to run the house.  I have this habit of planning cramming an insane amount of activity into the weeks that Matt is away, and once I realize he will be away for that week, I have a minor meltdown.  Take this week for example: I signed up to teach an extra class at work, take the kids to dance... in Rockford (1.5 hours roundtrip, for a 30 min class), bake something for a church event, do our first DCFS licensing meeting, run the Mother's Day party for my class, attend the Mother's Day spa for Sofi's class, and take the girls to their dance recital rehearsal (again, in Rockford).  At this very moment, my poor little 3 year old is snoring on the couch because she doesn't have enough time to take a proper nap today.  By Saturday morning when Matt returns, who knows what sort of basket case I'll be.  I have great appreciation for all the single moms of the world and offer up a prayer that your children fear you more than mine fear me.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, the kids have a tendency to save their best behavior for when dad is around, so when I lament about a long and terrible day, he looks at me like I've lost my mind or our children (not really, but that's how I interpret it).  So this could be the week I'm crowned Super Mom or Super Failure Mom.  All that to say, I really appreciate my husband.  It's hard for me to imagine a week without him, and I can't even begin to comprehend my life without him.  In a world filled with couples throwing in the towel, I find myself shaking my head in amazement at how a marriage can get to that point.  But while our marriage is pretty amazing, if I do say so myself, I must be honest and say that it hasn't always been that way.  Good marriages take a lot of work and ours is no exception.


People always say that you should never have children in order to save your marriage, and that is probably sound advice, but I can honestly say that having children drastically improved ours.  Before the girls were born, we fought all the time.  I would guess that we were fighting more than we were getting along.  And by fighting, I meant that we were passive-aggresively dropping sarcastic comments and then avoiding an actual confrontation.  Because we are both classically conflict-avoidant.  We were young and immature and extremely self-centered.  I can say "we" because I'm sure that Matt would agree and even if he wouldn't, he's in San Diego so if you don't tell him, he'll never know.  So here we were, a couple of years into our marriage and almost a decade into our relationship and we were bickering like little kids.  Enter our firstborn.  Our beautiful, perfect, scream though the night little baby girl.  If Matt has nerves of steel, than I have nerves of jello (or something equally jiggly and unstable) when it comes to screaming newborns who won't be consoled in the middle of the night when I'm sleep deprived and recovering from a C-section.  All of the things that previously drove me crazy about my husband, seemed insignificant to the point of ridiculous when he became a professional baby-swaddler who would walk said screaming baby around our house for hours in the middle of the night, listening to Ray Charles on his ipod like it was the most normal thing in the world.  As we adjusted to life as parents, responsible for another human being who could care less what we "needed," we packed up our self-centeredness - our concern with what "I" deserved and what "you" owed me - and we just grew up.  Nothing like a baby to show you how much you've been acting like a... well... baby.


Fast forward 7 years, and Matt is this amazing husband who cooks and does late-night or early-morning emergency Walmart runs for milk or cereal or dance tights for the girls (true story).  And I like to think I do a better job of supporting his insane busy schedule, nag him less about the small stuff,  and am a far better partner in ministry.  To be honest, I don't think that any of our basic faults that drove each other crazy in our pre-parent days have changed.  He still occasionally forgets to take out the trash and I still occasionally overreact very late at night when the house is a mess and I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!   He is still Mr. Positivity to the point of being unrealistic at times and I am still Miss Worry-Pants to the point of missing the good that is all around me at times.  We are still conflict-avoidant (which we're working on).  But we're in this together, and we don't just need each other - we appreciate each other.  I may get frustrated that he's away again, but I open the fridge and find a strawberry cream cheese pie that he made for us when he should have been prepping for his conference, and I remember how hard he works to make us happy.  This summer we'll celebrate 10 years of marriage and I will reveal to the world all of our secrets for a successful marriage (that gives me a few months to figure out what those secrets are).  But for now, I offer you this:  in any relationship, commit fully, sacrifice without keeping score, and focus on the positive.


We commonly apply the verse Philippians 4:8 ("Whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things") to TV viewing or other issues requiring a moral compass.  But it was recently pointed out to me that Paul was addressing fellow Christ-followers who were in conflict and were dragging everyone down with them.  This verse is meant for believers who are experiencing "irreconcilable differences" (obviously excluding serious issues that Scripture addresses).  Typical, petty, nagging issues that can eat at and destroy relationships over time.  Paul is pleading, "focus on the positive."  Address the major issues, deal with them, work to resolve them.  But when it comes to the "small things" just get over it.  


This week I was forced to given the opportunity to put this verse to practice.  While Matt was away, a neighbor of ours went missing ("no foul play suspected" is the official word).  We live in small town suburbia where nothing interesting, good or bad, ever happens so there is a no-holes-barred intensive investigation going on around here.  Seriously, there is an RV marked "Mobile Command Center" parked in front of the clubhouse, K9 units, Search and Rescue, Emergency Response, Sheriff and police vehicles, official looking people riding around in golf carts, and a helicopter doing sweeps over our house.  It's like a scene from CSI or something.  I'm feeling horribly self-centered using this situation to make a point about me, but here it is anyways.  So I'm getting pretty nervous scared out of my wits with all this chaos going on and I'm trying to settle the kids into bed and then I call Matt.  Who offered me kind and reassuring words and said he wished he was there with us acted like he had no idea what I was worried about.  Mr. Positivity's response?  "Well, I guess our neighborhood is probably the safest place in the world tonight with all of those cops around so that's good."  At which point I dropped it so as to avoid any conflict.  Once I hung up the phone I confess my thoughts were not very reflective of Philippians 4:8.  Now I was scared out of my wits and extremely irritated, and I just wanted to be mad.  But God just wouldn't let me.  He's persistent like that.  That verse kept coming to my mind and as much as I wanted to hold a grudge, I knew I had to join the not-so-dark side and think positive.  I reminded myself of the pie in the fridge.  And the little homework sheets and behavior charts Matt had made the kids before he left.  I admitted to myself that 99% of the time I am so appreciative of Matt's positive attitude and the calm and sense of gratitude it brings to our family.  Little by little, the conversation that had reflected the 1% of the time I hate Matt's positive attitude seemed insignificant.  This wasn't a big issue, it didn't involve a fatal flaw in Matt's character or reflect a deep and unresolved problem in our marriage.  I'm sure he was trying to be reassuring in a logical and look-on-the-bright-side kind of way.  I'm absolutely sure that he is the perfect antidote to my worry-about-the-worst-case-scenario disease.  See how that works?  I went from privately sulking to publicly bragging about what a great guy my husband is.  This Bible stuff really works...  I should try it out more.

Who in your life tends to get on your nerves?  Remember, we're talking minor differences and petty problems.  How would your relationship with that person change if you applied Philippians 4:8?  Give it a try for a week, or if you're really brave, a month.  Then check in and let us all know how it worked - I'd love to hear your stories!