adoption update: FAQs

Over the past few weeks we've been doing our homework - researching agencies, meeting with families who have adopted, attending a community group for couples from our church who are exploring adoption.  I've spent several ridiculous amounts of hours on the internet trying to learn all I can about the process of adopting - from signing that first piece of paper to preparing ourselves to parent this child God will entrust to us.  And let me tell ya, it's a lot to process.  Terms that previously meant nothing to me, like home study and dossier and referral, are now chapters of our future story, steps in the journey to my son or daughter.  We've been pacing around near the start line, mapping out the journey, gathering our equipment, and now we're ready.  So let's GO...

For those of you who haven't had the benefit (or torture) or endless hours of online research into this process we're so eager to embark on, I'll try to answer questions that you may have.  These are questions we've been asked or mistaken assumptions we've encountered.  Hopefully they'll leave you more informed and maybe even inspired as you follow our journey.

Q: You must be adopting a girl, since there aren't any boys available to adopt in China.

A:  We are open to either a boy or a girl.  I was surprised to learn that while "healthy" children available for adoption are primarily girls, there are both boys and girls in the special needs program.  Because most couples are only open to adopting a girl (don't ask me why - I can't figure that one out), there are often more boys available than girls.  So we're looking forward to being surprised by either a son or a daughter.

Q: Define "special needs."  

A: China has a bizarre unique definition of what "special needs" are.  Most children in their program have mild, even correctable special needs - common examples are cleft lip/palate, heart condition, extra or missing digits (fingers/toes), Hep B carrier, etc.  Some of these conditions are corrected while the child is in China, but they will still be considered to have "special needs."  At this point, we feel open to adopting a child with any of these minor needs.  With 2 youngish kids at home, and the knowledge that an adopted child will also likely experience some developmental delays, attachment issues, etc. we want to make sure we can be adequately prepared and invested in helping our child meet their full potential.      

Q: Why China?

A: I researched every country possible.  Many countries were automatically ruled out because we didn't meet requirements such as age, or # of children in the home.  We ruled out other countries who required extensive stays in-country, had a reputation for "sketchy" processes, or who only had older children available.  Once we had dramatically narrowed down the countries who were open (so many of them are not), we were drawn to China for a few reasons.  One reason was their relatively stable process - China has been a popular country to adopt from for many years, and they seem to have a pretty streamlined system.  Any international adoption has its risks and hiccups, but China seemed like a fairly reliable option.  Another reason was their waiting child program.  We weren't hoping for a healthy baby and then settled on their special needs program - we chose them for their special needs program.  There are something like 2000 children in China who are paper-ready and looking for a home.  These children have been abandoned and will live out their lives in orphanages if a family is not found for them.  I find that truth to be unbearable.  So China it is.

Q:  Isn't it expensive?

A: Yes - something like $30,000.  The home study alone will cost $2500.  And while I normally fret and stress about finances, in this situation I am totally at peace.  I know that God has called us to adopt, as part of His plan for His child, and He will provide.  So right now we have an aggressive savings plan, we'll apply for grants, Matt is taking on some additional part-time techy contract work (that's my best description, because I'm not tech-savvy enough to remember the correct terms for his work), and I'm putting in some extra hours of work and researching fundraising options.  We've been encouraged by several couples who have adopted and who have assured us that God provided the funds as they were needed.  

Q: What do the girls think?

A: They are excited - over the moon, can't wait to meet my brother or sister, put me on a plane to China excited.  Sometimes they express concern about how it will affect them - Isabel wants to know if she'll get enough Mom/Dad time and Sofi is worried Isabel will spend more time with the baby than her.  But they've been telling everyone who will listen that they're adopting a baby from China and they're so proud.  On Thursday we went to see Sofi in her class production of The Mitten and we brought Audrey (a 2 year old who is with us through Safe Families) with us.  After the play, she turned to her friends and said - "this isn't our adoption kid.  She's from Safe Families!"  She was so very excited.  We of course were mortified ;)  So we reassure them that we'll all be busier but we'll have to make special time for each individual family member.  We've had the privilege of being a Safe Family for the past year or so, and so the girls have gotten used to having an extra little one around the house and they are amazing big sisters.  They are hoping to come with us when we go to China, and as long as we can raise the funds and convince Grandma to tag along, we'd love to bring them!

practicing our "big sister" skills with Audrey

Any other questions?  Feel free to shoot them my way and I'll do my best to answer them.  Thanks for being a part of our journey!

how big is your faith?

Sometimes my faith is small.  Tiny.  Miniscule.  I have watched God move mountains in my life and yet with each new bump in the road or hill on the horizon, I doubt that He will move it.  It's not that I doubt God's power or even His love for me.  I know that I serve a mighty God, and that He loves me with this deep, extraordinary, sacrificial love.  I believe that He desires to bless me and give me life abundant.  And yet at times, I bring the desires of my heart before my Heavenly Father with great hesitation.  I tell myself that it's because I don't want to put God in a box - to create parameters with my human limitations.  I convince myself that I actually have great faith, because by not asking God to provide a specific answer, I am being open to whatever He has in store for me.  I almost convince myself anyways. And I'm certain that God isn't buying it.


The truth is that when it comes to requests that matter - those things I hope and long for deeply, I am so very afraid of being disappointed.  I know that when God closes a door, it is for good reason and there is something better in store.  But sometimes there is a pause, a waiting period between when that door is closed and when I see that what was behind that door was so much less than what God wanted for me.  It's during that pause, that waiting, that I should be leaning into my Father, trusting in His promises and remembering His faithfulness in my life.  But instead, most of the time I just wish I had never asked God to open the door in the first place.  I don't care what God has for me in that moment, I only know that I am disappointed.  And disappointment has a way of morphing into doubt and eating away at your faith.  Until it's small.  Tiny.  Miniscule.


This week God taught me a lesson I hope to never forget.  Isabel has a friend who's family recently moved here from another country and they have been waiting for their visas to come through.  As time went on and the visas didn't come when they were supposed to, Isabel became anxious and was worried that her friend would have to move away.  She prayed for her at home and at church - she wrote her prayers on scraps of paper and spoke them tearfully at bedtime.  And I was fearful, so very fearful that God would not open this door and she would be disappointed.  I never came out and told her that God might not answer her prayer the way she hoped, but I also didn't tell her to ask God with faith that He would provide the visas.  Instead of building her faith and teaching her to trust her Heavenly Father, I stood back and let her stand on her own, holding my breath and hoping for the best.  

little BFFs - Isabel's friend drew this for her after they met and played for the first time.  

God came through anyways.  Thankfully He isn't limited by my lack of faith.


When I shared the news with Isabel, she was ecstatic of course.  And we immediately thanked God for answering her prayer.  But I truly believe I missed an opportunity to train up my daughter.  Our prayer of thankfulness was filled with relief; as we exhaled our doubts and fears were finally released.  But I missed the opportunity to teach my daughter what it feels like to believe with unshaken certainty that God will move your mountain and then step aside in peace and confidence as you watch God make it happen.  Answered prayer is always good, but it's so much better when it isn't tainted by your doubts.  




Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Sure of what we hope for.  That's what I want for my girls - a faith that is sure and certain.  Big faith.  Giant, God-inspired, unbridled faith.  And it has to start with me.  Is God always going to give me exactly what I want?  No, and in the pause that follows I want to stand firm and be certain of what I do not see.  I don't need to protect my girls from disappointment, because God never truly disappoints.  My faith - their faith - our faith, is in very good hands.   

happy birthday Isabel

Today is Isabel's birthday. 7 years ago today I became a mom. And like most parents, I don't know where the time has gone. We celebrated with a trip to the American Girl Store where we spent way too much money on tiny food and tiny clothes and even tiny glasses (why her doll needs glasses is beyond me). But just like a MasterCard commercial, her infectious smile and adorable giggles were priceless... And for everything else, there's Grandma (x2 because they both came along). We closed the day with most of our family spoiling her with gifts and hugs and so much love. It was perfect. In honor of the day, I'm going to share with you my top 10 moments with Isabel. 10. Watching her ride her bike without training wheels for the first time. 9. Going with her to pick up our first Safe Families placement, and hearing her bubble over with joy all the way home. 8. Catching her in my arms as she would sprint to me after a long day in kindergarten. 7. Watching her splash around in the ocean for the first time while we were in Sydney. 6. Picking out ridiculously large treats and watching the parade at DisneyWorld 5. Taking an impromptu nap on the couch by the Christmas tree when she was a baby. 4. Watching Isabel cheer Sofi to take her first steps (which she took arms outstretched for her big sister). 3. Holding both girls as they met for the first time, and watching as Isabel (who was 14 mo) handed her new baby sister her beloved pacifier. 2. Hearing the doctor say, "It's a girl!" 1. Being there to pray with her when she accepted Jesus as her savior. I am so grateful for my not so little girl. She loves me so deeply that it takes my breath away. And I am just over the moon for her. She gives the best hugs, has magical powers to take away my headaches (it's true) and always knows where my keys and cell phone are. She tells me she loves me all the time, in sweet and silly and sometimes just "break out the Kleenex box" ways. How did I get so lucky? Tonight as I stood back and watched our family singing Happy Birthday in their loud, crazy, "I'm adding my own harmony in mock-opera style" voices I was reminded of that moment when Matt went out to the waiting room to announce to our family that we had a daughter and I could hear them all cheering wildly from down the hall. 7 years later, loud and crazy as ever, they are still celebrating my little girl (who is completely worth it of course). And all I could think was, "my cup runneth over." Happy Birthday Bella-boo.

the story

Sometimes I feel like I have 3 daughters – Sofia, Isabel, and Isabel’s evil alternate personality. Both girls give me their share of problems, but Isabel has a way of taking “problems” to the extreme.  When she was a baby, she was this happy, smiley social baby who would coo and giggle and literally stop people in their tracks at the grocery store.  And then her alter ego would appear and she would scream and cry for hours at a time for no apparent reason.  I hoped she’d outgrow it.  I’m still hoping…

I read this book when Isabel was a toddler called Raising Your Spirited Child.  I loved that it used the term “spirited” instead of “difficult” or “defiant” or even “strong willed.”  Because that’s what my Isabel is – spirited.  Full of life and love and spirit.  The book talked about how “spirited” children are “more” of everything.  She’s more loving, compassionate, and giving and she’s more emotional, angry and anxious. She’s more aware of other people’s feelings and more likely to internalize their feelings as her own. Isabel is the emotional barometer of our house – she usually knows that I’m stressed even before I do.  It’s a gift and I truly mean that.  But it also feels a bit like a curse sometime.  I often ask God why He would put so much struggle into such a tenderhearted kid, but then I wouldn’t trade that tender heart for a million hearts that were stronger and more resilient.  So this task of parenting, of spiritual parenting this child who is “more”, requires so much more.  I need to depend on God’s wisdom to teach this precious little girl He’s entrusted me with.  Some days are stories of success, others of failure.  Today's story is a little of both...

I truly wish this was the story of our morning...
for the real story, keep reading

“Mommy, can I wear some lip gloss?”  Still asleep, I squinted at Isabel, standing there in her Christmas dress.  We have this rule that regular clothes are not for dress up. However, as I reminded her of this rule, my sweet Christmas-dress-wearing-daughter exploded.  There was screaming and shouting and foot stamping and general refusal to obey anything I said.  An epic showdown ensued that eventually ended with Isabel storming off to her room.  As I lay in my bed thinking of every cruel and unusual punishment I could bring down on my daughter, I asked God for wisdom.  Because while I know that her actions certainly merit a consequence, I also know that no amount of punishing is going to change the problem at the root of all of this, which is her inability to regulate her emotions.  If you’ve ever seen a child who struggles with sensory issues, you’ve seen how a seemingly insignificant thing – a blinking light, or a crowded movie theatre – can send them into sensory overload and they are unable to regulate their reaction.  That’s how Isabel is with her emotions.  She has zero tolerance for her own feelings.  There is no “small” emotion – everything is felt deeply, pervasively, with the power of a hurricane.  And then we lose her, she loses herself, and I can’t help but lose my faith for a moment and fear that one day we will lose her and I won’t be able to bring her back.   But I digress…

When we ask God for wisdom, He promises to give it to us.  And so as I stepped into Isabel’s room to check on her, I prayed hard for His wisdom to guide my words and decisions.  There sat my little girl, my spirited, big-hearted, more of everything little girl, hands in her lap, completely composed and waiting.  As if nothing had happened.  I handed her a piece of paper and asked her to write 20 appropriate strategies she could choose to use when she got upset.   

When she finished, I had her write the story of our morning, only instead of writing about her meltdown, she was to change the ending to include one of the strategies she had listed.  What began with “I asked for lip gloss” and ended with “I screamed and shouted and stomped my foot” became “I asked for lip gloss” and ended with “I started to get upset and so I went to draw a picture.”

I allowed her to re-write her story.

Because isn’t that what God offers us?  The chance to rewrite our story?  What began with “I sinned” and ended with “my sin separated me for eternity from God” is now “I sinned” and ends with “Jesus took my punishment and I am God’s child.”  Certainly we face consequences for our sin, but God’s grace offers us forgiveness and a chance to be part of his Great Story. 

That’s what I want Isabel to know more than anything.  While her choices will bring consequences, good or bad, her God loves her unconditionally and wants to rewrite her story.  His grace offers her a missional role in His Story.  And no matter what, she can run to Him, regardless of where her story may be going.  God, the Author of Life has a happy ending just for her. 

Hopefully that happy ending includes dress up :)

      

managers wanted

I've had this amazing epiphany over the past few weeks as our church, from kindergarteners to senior citizens, has taken a closer look at what God's Word has to say about Generosity.  I've heard many times that everything I have is God's, and to an extent I get that.  I can wrap my mind around it, and on occasion even my heart, although too often my selfish tendencies rise up and scream in a high pitched toddler voice "that's mine!!!!!"   But here's my epiphany: God has given me the task of managing His resources.  And as I am wise and responsible with those resources, He will grant me the privilege of managing more of His resources.  This is different from the concept of "everything is God's...and if I handle God's stuff nicely, He'll give me more."  Because He doesn't just promise to bless me for my own sake, but for His purpose - which is often to bless others.  And the light bulb turns on.


Since our girls are also learning about generosity, we have had tremendous opportunities to discuss as a family what we are learning and how God is working in our hearts.  Tonight at the dinner table, the girls shared with us that in Kids World (our church's children's ministry program) they learned about sacrifice.  "And not like sacrificing animals (yuck!)".  But sacrificing what's important to you to help someone else.  Isabel chimed in, "like today when I chose to ride the bus with Sofi!"
    Backtrack.....  a few weeks ago, the girls were consistently forgetting to look both ways when crossing the street.  Threats didn't work.  Typical consequences didn't work.  Gruesome tales of getting squashed by oncoming traffic didn't work (just kidding).  So we decided they needed "extra practice."  Until they were able to cross the street after looking both ways for 10 days, mom wouldn't be offering rides to school (an occasional privilege the girls look forward to).  Isabel was 10 for 10, but Sofi forgot a few days into it and had to start over again.  Which brings us to today, when Isabel had earned the privilege of catching a ride with mom while Sofi had to take the bus.  Isabel, not being able to bear her sister's tears, sacrificed the extra time with mom and rode the bus with Sofi today.


We talked about the Macedonians - a group of people in the Bible who were extremely poor AND yet also extravagant givers (check out what Paul has to say about them in 2 Corinthians 8:2 "Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity."  Wow!).  The girls shared how they had learned that these people LOVED to give and they were so happy.  So I asked the girls how it felt to sacrifice, to be generous with others.  And they both chimed in that "it's so much fun!!!"  (as they said this, Isabel literally jumped out of her chair and twirled around the kitchen.  In her leotard and tutu of course - isn't that what most people wear around there house?!?)  As they recounted times our family has sacrificed for others, they did so not with proud or self-righteous hearts, but with true childlike joy and excitement.  Let me tell you, there is no greater joy than watching God work in the hearts of your children.


As dinner went on, Matt and I shared what we had learned in our Community Group, and the challenge we had been given this week to put people in front of things.  Matt had already told the girls that he was putting away all tech (ipod, ipad, laptop, etc) when he came home each evening, so he could enjoy family time more.  And I shared with the girls how I LOVE sleep, and so sometimes I sleep in a bit and then end up rushing around in the morning.  Not this week -  I'm setting my alarm earlier each day to create more peace in our mornings, and the girls excitedly added that I'll be able to eat breakfast with them each day.


So we're all exploring the idea of sacrifice this week, and what it truly means to put people in front of things.  And really, if the "things" in our life are God's, how hard is it to sacrifice them?  If God can lay His resources in our hands, I think we can lay them aside now and again for the sake of others.


Fast forward to bedtime, and Isabel had managed to earn some extra shuteye tonight (she didn't see it that way), with a little help from her attitude (1st graders, sheesh!).  She was creating great drama about having to go to bed before Sofi, and before I knew it, Sofi had offered to go to bed early with her sister.  She told me she was sacrificing her extra time to make Isabel feel better, just like Isabel had sacrificed for her this morning. There's nothing like a 5 year old teaching you that you just can't out-give God :)


So how about you?  How will you better manage God's resources this week?  I'd love to hear your ideas!

epic announcement

My husband likes to say that I have a bleeding heart for the lost children of the world.  He says that with a patronizing affectionate tone, but he's right.  I can't bear the thought of children suffering or in pain.  It breaks my heart to think that somewhere, not too far from here, a child is walking the streets with their family not knowing how or where they'll sleep tonight.  I can't bear the thought that there are orphans at home and abroad who don't have a mother to kiss them goodnight and sing them a lullaby.  And I am angered when I see children who aren't accepted or downright bullied because they're "different," whether their clothes are worn or they have "special needs", or their skin is a different color.  These things affect me deeply.  And so I ask God this very dangerous question: what do you want me to do?

Just over a year ago, His answer came in the form of an organization called Safe Families.  This organization places children whose families are in crisis, such as homelessness or hospitalization, into homes such as ours.  We volunteer to take in these children and provide them with food, clothing, shelter and all the love we can give.  These children who have been through our home in the past year have been such a blessing to us.  And they have taught our girls so much as they have shared stories of homeless shelters and being hungry and wanting nothing more than to be home with your family.  They have taught them that people who seem different can be very much the same and that little things like skin color or your socio-ecomic status make no difference when you're rocking out to Justin Beiber (he is absolutely intolerable regardless of your hair color as well).  God has blessed us with incredible resources - a home, a family, food in the cupboard and a little enough money in the bank.  And it has been a privilege to manage His resources so that we can help others.

And so now I ask an even more dangerous question: what else do you want me to do?

This is His answer...

Somewhere across the globe is a child that God has a plan to redeem.  He has orchestrated a search and rescue that began before time and has called us to join in His mission.

So we are going to adopt...

     a child from China 

            with special needs.

Right now, this child has no hope and no future, but God promises in Jeremiah 29:11 that "I know the plans I have for you...to give you a hope and a future."  And we get to be a part of seeing that promise fulfilled.  

In case you're wondering if we're crazy we won the lottery, we didn't.  But God is so much bigger than the cost of an adoption, and we'll save and we'll apply for grants, and we'll try to raise the rest, and in the end our son or daughter (because it doesn't matter to us either way, although the girls are hoping for a little brother) will have a home.  A family.  A hope and a future.  

Want to help?  Pray for us - our first step is to begin a Home Study (where a Social Worker will interview us and determine that we're sane and fit to parent).  We hope to begin that process and have already made some calls to get it started.  And follow along, walk with us, celebrate our journey... we would love the company and it is always amazing to watch God work in miraculous ways!

one step

A Chinese philosopher once said that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”  But I would add that it continues with one step – sometimes big, sometimes small, each step brings you farther along on your journey.  I am on a journey, one that began long ago, but continues each day.  To know Jesus.  To become more like Him.  And to live in a way that inspires others to do the same.   Somewhere along this journey I met my husband and we had 2 beautiful girls.  Now we are on a mission to help our girls on this same journey.  To know Jesus.  To become more like Him.  And to live in a way that inspires others to do the same.

Parenting is no easy task.  Spiritual parenting is downright overwhelming.  I already worry that my decisions as a parent may land my child in therapy one day, and add their eternal destiny into the mix and I’m hyperventilating.  I have to break it down into little steps. Sometimes those steps move us forward, sometimes it seems they move us backward, but 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards and we progress, little by little.

ok, for them  most steps are full speed ahead...

So welcome to our journey.  Feel free to walk along with us, celebrate in our victories, commiserate in our failures (because there will be many!).  Hopefully you’ll find some inspiration and occasional bursts of laughter (we laugh a lot in our family – we happen to find ourselves hilarious).  So let’s go, get started, embark on an adventure, a life-changing journey.  And speaking of life-changing, my next post will include an epic announcement (how’s that for a hook?).  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  One step at a time…