Dear Mom (or Dad) of a Strong Willed Child,
I'm not really sure how to begin. Do I welcome you to the club? Offer you my condolences? Congratulate you on your success survival? Let me just start by saying, "I see you." And not in the creepy, judgy way that you're used to being seen. When other people see you with an out of control toddler screaming through the cereal aisle at Target, I see you holding it together, remaining calm so your child learns from your example. And when others stare in horror as your preschooler made a beeline to shove the smallest kid on the playground, I see you stepping in with a weariness that tells me you've done this a hundred times before and will do it a million times more because you are in this for the long haul. When others see you as "weak" because you look your screaming child in the eyes and see the fear - not the rebellion - and respond with compassion, I see you cultivating your child's heart instead of just controlling their behavior. When you open up and share your difficulties and the other moms size you up or shake their heads or give advice that you know works for all the other kids but somehow doesn't work for yours, I see you doubt yourself or blame yourself even though deep down you know that this child that you love fiercely just isn't like "all the other kids." I see you because I see me in you. So maybe what I should begin with is this: solidarity.
I have looked at all three of my children, at some point or another, and given them the label of "strong willed child." We recently passed through a "strong willed" phase (and I use the word "passed" as in "passed a kidney stone" not "passed by the mall") with our 2 year old. He literally lost his voice for 3 weeks because of all the screaming and crying. I remember "passing through" a similar phase with our 2nd when she refused to wear pants, and so getting dressed every day involved me sitting on her and yanking pants onto her flailing legs (Dear Leggings: you entered the fashion scene about a year too late and I will never forgive you for it). But our firstborn is the one that challenged us at every turn. There were no phases to pass through with her - she pretty much fought us for the first 6 years of her life. 6 years is not a phase, friends; it is a sentence. Like a jail sentence.
But here's the thing. I've been thinking and reading and researching this idea of a "Strong Willed Child" and out of curiosity, I asked my husband which of our children he would consider "Strong Willed" today. His answer? None of them. And to my shock and awe, when I really thought about it, I had to agree. None of our kids are perfect, and they all have days or even weeks where they plant their feet and put up their dukes and challenge us to step into the ring. But overall, they are all (at the moment) pretty pleasant and reasonable and compliant. From what I read and was told when they were young, having a Strong Willed Child was a life sentence. If I didn't conquer or control that Will, they would grow up to be delinquents. It was a battle I would fight their entire lives and I had to be tougher than they were to win. The first time I sat down to spank my firstborn (she was a toddler), she slapped me back. I spanked her again and she slapped me back again. Right then and there I knew that if I wanted to win this Fight of The Wills, I was going to have to show her that I was bigger and scarier and could hit a lot harder. So, instead of entering the ring, I chose not to fight her. I can't tell you how many well-meaning parents shook their head and prophesied doom and destruction, but I knew my daughter needed to learn how to control herself more than she needed to learn that I could control her. I knew she had plenty of battles ahead and that she needed me fighting with her not against her. Over the past decade, I've learned a lot about so called "Strong Willed Children," and while I'm no expert, I'm going to share what I've learned. You can take it or leave it - I can't guarantee results or share statistical proof that what has worked for me will work for you. But if you're in over your head with your Strong Willed Darling, hopefully my many mistakes and occasionally successes can provide you with some hope.
1. Your child might not be Strong Willed after all.
Don't hate me yet. I'm not trying to tell you that your child isn't difficult, or that parenting him/her isn't incredibly challenging. But the Strong Willed label implies that your child is hardwired to be stubborn, even defiant. That your child fights you because they want to control you. While all of my kids have appeared to display those traits or behaviors from time to time, I can honestly look at them and say that those characteristics don't define them in the least. It's important to be aware of your child's developmental stage - our 2 year old spent 3 weeks fighting us on every front, and some would say that it was rebellion. But think of the toys you buy your toddler: most engage your little one with cause and effect. Push this and it lights up, pull that and it makes a sound. Toddlers are fascinated with this concept. So it makes sense that this fascination will play out in their behavior. They test boundaries often out of curiosity, not rebellion. They are also testing our patience and love - they want to know if they can trust us to care for them no matter what. In our house, I often use the phrase. "when we make a bad choice, sad things happen. But even when you make a bad choice, I still love you." When we respond calmly and consistently, they eventually learn the boundaries aren't budging and they move on to their next phase. I mentioned earlier that we struggled with our oldest for several years, way past toddlerhood. Her Strong Willed behavior wasn't simply developmental, but I also knew it wasn't truly defiant. I remember looking at her, really looking at her, and seeing that she was terrified. She would get overwhelmed by her own emotions and completely lose it. All. The. Time. But the truth was that she hated it as much as I did. She was fighting herself just as hard as she was fighting me. It's important to be aware of your child's ability (or inability) to control their own emotions. I think that if I had treated her as a "Strong Willed Child," I may have eventually been able to force compliance, but I would have missed the opportunity to teach her to control herself.
2. Those Strong Willed traits have a positive side.
When my oldest daughter was little, I read a book that encouraged me to list my child's "difficult" traits and their positive opposite. I quickly made a long list of the difficult traits, but it took time and and consideration to consider how those traits were also positive. Sure, "stubborn" can also be seen as "strong leader," but what about things like aggressive? Unable to handle transitions? Was "hysterical" even a trait? But slowly I saw the way she would go after a soccer ball as a positive side of aggression. Her ability to follow a schedule as a positive side of struggling with transitions. And the way she loved deeply and empathized as the positive side to her more hysterical emotions. This simple exercise gave me permission to stop trying to manage or control or conquer my daughter's "negative" traits. Instead, I set about the work of cultivating her positive traits. Rather than stopping "bad" behavior, I started helping her develop the gifts she had been given. Discipline was now a tool to help her become who she was created to be instead of a weapon to stop her from becoming all the things I was afraid of. We taught her to control her aggression so she could fight for the things that were important. We helped her develop systems and schedules so she could better handle transitions. And we worked with her to regulate her emotions should she could truly enjoy the full range of her feelings instead of becoming overwhelmed by them.
3. You and your child might need some extra help.
Whew. This is a tough one. You've tried all the tricks and done All The Things and you and your child are still struggling. Really, truly, deeply struggling. Maybe you've had more "bad days" or weeks or months than you can count. Or maybe you've just had a couple of good ones and so you rationalize that you're paranoid and your child is just fine. Perhaps you wake up in the morning, and when you hear your child call for you, signaling the start of a day that is sure to be wearisome, your first thought is, "not again." I knew deep down for years that our oldest daughter was struggling more than she should. That her behaviors weren't typical "terrible twos," that her tantrums weren't because she was spoiled, that her emotions were out of control because she truly couldn't control them. She had terrible stomach aches and after rounds of testing and specialists they told me it was anxiety. She was 5. In a stable home where she was loved and cherished and parented by a mom and dad who had degrees in children's ministry and education. We taught parenting classes, for crying out loud. I finally did what I had been putting off for years - I called a child psychologist and set up an appointment. We saw huge improvements over the next few months. I had been so worried that she would be labeled or diagnosed or medicated, but I learned that most children's psychologists are less concerned with "why your child is the way she is" and more concerned with "what tools do they need to cope." I kicked myself for not taking her sooner. After a half a dozen sessions, we went on our way with a fresh set of skills and continued the work at home. Today I am amazed at her ability to identify and regulate her emotions. She has had so much practice, that honestly at times she copes better than her far-less-emotional sister. It didn't happen overnight, and she still has rough days (God save us from The Hormones), but when she does struggle, she knows she is capable of working through it. So if you're in doubt, please get help.
4. Be calm and consistent.
If your child is Strong Willed - whether it's a phase or a true character trait - what they need is to know that they can count on you to be the adult. The kind of adult who models the behaviors and traits that you are expecting of them. Kids scream and cry and act like children; they need to know that you can handle it all (but not tolerate it all) and not act in kind. If you storm around yelling at or shaming or striking your child in anger, you can expect your child's Strong Will to anchor itself in their tender heart. I think that sometimes parents take a Strong Willed Phase and create a Strong Willed Monster by forcing outward submission without cultivating inward regulation. Controlling your child's behavior might make your life easier, and it might make you look like an awesome parent. But if you want to disciple your child, if you want to point their heart towards Christ, your going to have to take the long view instead of the short one. You'll have to ask "What is God doing in my child's heart?" It will require you to see misbehavior as the Spirit's way of bringing your child's struggles to the surface, and then you'll have to embrace the opportunity to come alongside of Him and use discipline as a loving tool to turn those struggles into triumphs. For the record, I'm not here to tell you which tools are or aren't appropriate. I'm taking a neutral stance on spanking or time outs or whatever, because I don't know what's best for you or your child. Discipline is Biblical and it's a vital tool in raising your children. I would strongly encourage you to spend time in God's Word, learning what God says about discipline. And don't go cherry picking verses that support your parenting style of choice - look at all the verses, look at Scripture as a whole, and see what themes emerge. I can tell you that we have disciplined each of our kids differently, because they all respond differently. But with all of them, we have been most successful when we are calm and consistent.
5. You are going to fail sometimes.
If you're playing the Long Game here, you aren't always going to win. You're going to make mistakes and sometimes you're going to make big ones. Don't you dare give up and don't for a minute believe that today's fail makes you a Failure. I'm going to let you in on a secret: failures are great teaching opportunities. Our kids need to see us as calm and consistent and capable of handling whatever they throw at us. Except sometimes they need to see that we are human and we make mistakes, so they can learn how we handle mistakes. They need to see us feel sorrow for our sin, without making excuses, so they can learn that repentance changes us. They need to see us receive grace from our Savior so they can know that grace is offered to them as well. They need to see us ask for forgiveness, so they can offer forgiveness and feel how it frees us all.
Oh parents of Maybe Strong Willed children. Know that you are not alone in the trenches, and that those trenches are real and not a figment of your imagination. Trust that there is hope, that one day you'll look around that trench and see that you're not fighting as hard or as long as you used to. Know that your child is not the Enemy, but that the Enemy would love for you to think they are. Trust that the God of Angel-Armies fights with you and for you and for your child. Hold your head high when others look at you and your child in the Target aisle or the Playground - hold it high because those that judge don't know the first thing about your sweet, challenging child; hold it high because someone out there is looking at you in solidarity, finding encouragement in shared struggles; hold it high because there's an amazing kid that needs to know you are proud of who they are despite how they sometimes act.
