You're So Vain

Note: I wrote this almost two weeks ago, and considering the dramatic couple of weeks that followed, this post seems a bit trivial. But not every learning moment occurs in the midst of chaos (thank God!) In some ways, I think this exercise in faith was exactly what I needed to prepare for what we were going to walk through in the days that followed. 

Fasting for Lent wasn't a part of my spiritual upbringing. I fasted for Lent for the first time when I was in high school. My super mature fast: to give up all hopes of having a boyfriend. The sacrifice was deep. The week we came back from Easter break, a boy asked me out. At which point, fasting for Lent became a bit of a lucky charm - "if I fast from it, it will come." Dear High School Me: you are such a nerd.

Fast forward a few years couple of decades, and I'm all grown up and wondering how Lent fits into my spiritual journey. I'm not big on rituals or legalism, but as our family has incorporated Advent into our Christmas traditions, I've found the season to be more meaningful. Along with this consideration of Lent, I've also had a growing sense of unrest with all of the "stuff" in my life and the stress it causes. A few weeks ago, I was counting my "to do" list instead of sheep every night and then waking up in the middle of the night worrying about ridiculous things like socks (which my kids needed for their musical) and whether or not they should sign up for softball or voice lessons. I was fighting with the girls over what clothes they should wear ("you picked out this shirt and I bought it and you haven't worn it in weeks!"), and simultaneously buying them more clothes. I was in between jobs and not making money, and despite closets full of clothes and calendars full of activities, I was looking for opportunities to make more money just to spend more on stuff we didn't need. Because the truth is, when you look around you, you will always see the people who have more, and you will feel the urge to keep up. I'm having conversations with moms who are taxiing their kids to this activity and that, and their children seem so wonderful and enriched and it's hard to be the lame mom who just says no. #firstworldproblems #timeforareailtycheck

Enter 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Friends, I have been avoiding this book for a couple of years, afraid it would guilt me into giving up all the stuff that I love. I work hard for this American Dream, people! But I picked it up, tired and frazzled with all my stuff and what I found instead of guilt was relief. 7 is a fast of sorts, a giving up of the stuff that weighs us down so we are free to view this life as God planned it for us. The verse that comes to mind is Hebrews 12:1-2a "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." A few months ago I was training for a 5k, and it was a struggle. I had trained for a 5k a few months earlier, and while I finished the race, I can't say that I enjoyed it. During my last few weeks of training, I tried out a new eating/exercise plan (21 Day Fix) and lost 10 pounds before the race. Those 10 pounds made all the difference. Dropping that extra weight, "throwing off everything that hinders," gave me the perseverance to run the race and actually enjoy running. That extra weight was the difference between enduring and enjoying. Sometimes the stuff in our life is weighing us down so much that we are enduring our life instead of enjoying it. Or maybe it's just me.

I finished 7 and received the workbook a few days before Lent and it seemed like perfect timing. The workbook walks you through one fast a week (Jen Hatmaker did each fast for a month. I can't even.), and I figured I could do anything for one week. Week 1 was food - but I feel like I've just got the hang of this healthy eating thing and I'm in a really good place with how I view food and nutrition. So for now I skipped that fast. The next week was clothes - as in pick seven items of clothing and wear only those seven items for a week. Easy peasy, I told myself. I have also prided myself in my lack of vanity (I know, the irony). I can't even believe I am typing this, but on my checklist of things that make me, um, not vain is the fact that I rarely wear mascara. Women (maybe it's magazines or Pinterest articles) are always saying that if they have to dash out of the house, they just swipe on some lip gloss and mascara. Boom. I don't need mascara. 

Most weeks I stay home, and most days I work out, so my fashion consists of yoga pants and a hoodie (again, not vain. I will happily leave the house like this as well). A "nice" outfit for church plus my yoga pant/hoodie combo and I'm good. Of course the week I was doing my "7" clothing fast, my schedule ramped up and looked like this:
- stay at home mom days (whew. covered!)
- parent teacher conferences 
- taking my girls and some friends ice skating (totally yoga pant friendly)
- children's ministry conference
- church
- cast party (for the girls, but families were invited)
That's FOUR events that are not yoga-pant friendly. And yes, some of them occurred on the same day but there were still 3 different days where I had to dress like a grown up. Add in the fact that I've lost 20 pounds and haven't been shopping, so most of my pants are starting to look ridiculous and THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! 

So I cheated

But we won't call it cheating

In the name of modesty, I didn't count things like tank tops that covered my gaping waistband or a scarf that hid a low cut (it's too big! don't judge!) top. In the name of accommodating my vertical challenges, I picked 2 pairs of boots (one with a heal, one without, because I couldn't find two pants of equal length that also sort of fit) as well as tennis shoes, which I have to wear while exercising. I also didn't count shoes in the 7 items because I was so stressed out trying to pick out my 7 items for the week that I felt it was defeating the purpose. I'm sure Jen would agree. Or maybe tell me to get over myself. 

Because I felt guilty at going over my 7 items, I decided in the spirit of "fasting from vanity" (which I was starting to see might be a problem after all) I would take the fast into my makeup bag/hair care. So I pared down to 7 makeup items for the week (no mascara. obviously) and swore off the use of my blow dryer (which I rarely use. Because I'm not vain) and curling iron (which I apparently depend on more than I thought). At which point, I immediately made a hair appointment, because without heated styling tools, my split ends were no longer hidden and under control and instead started their own mutiny. You guys, I came home from the salon with FUSCHIA HAIR! Curse you, vanity! (update: the fuschia faded to magenta and is now closer to the reddish brown I was hoping for. Thank God for grace - I so deserved fuschia hair)

Here is what I learned from my 7 Clothing Fast:

I am incredibly vain

My reactions throughout the week ranged from pouting that I couldn't wear this outfit or that shirt, to standing in front of the mirror wishing I could buy new pants, to resorting to extreme tactics to try and improve my outfits without "cheating" (while simultaneously considering cheating). To be clear, I wasn't losing sleep or spending large amounts of time doing these things. But in a "fast" you become acutely aware of the little ways you think about obsess over the thing you are fasting from. On a normal week, I wouldn't give my "vanity" a second thought - obviously, I considered myself "not vain." Now I see how those seconds add up, how those thoughts clutter my mind, how the stress of finding the right outfit or hiding the split ends can be a distraction. The little girl living at my house right now came with the clothes on her back (or the pjs, to be completely honest). What is she stressed about? She wants her mommy, her family, her home. I have all of those things every day and I take them for granted. Fasting, seeing my vanity for what it is, helps me to appreciate what's important.

My girls did the fast as well, and they struggled far less than I did. In fact, they were pretty excited about it. Sofi told me that she was "hoping the fast would help her discover what it's like to live like people without clothes and a home, or people who are homeless.  When you go through something that's hard, God teaches you a lesson through that, and He wouldn't have been able to teach you that lesson if you didn't have that hard thing in your life." Here's what she said she learned:

- it was hard for me, but someone who is homeless would be thankful instead of disliking what they already have

- to be happy with what I have instead of nothing

- before, it was hard to pick out clothes in the morning because I had so many things and it was overwhelming; now since I have 7 pieces of clothing I only had to pick from 3 outfits and it was a lot easier

(Bonus: I didn't spend any time arguing with them about what they wore, if it matched or was appropriate or had just been worn yesterday. I was really surprised at how much stress this alleviated)

So here's the take away (because realizing I'm vain doesn't change anything) - I need to find ways to enjoy the clothes I have and wear them in a way that expresses who I am without letting them become an obsession or source of stress.  One thing I noticed as I was trying to pick out some outfits, is that most of my clothes only go with one thing. I tend to buy random pieces and so I have a closet full of mismatched items, most of which I don't want to wear. I'm going to have to buy some new clothes (since the current ones don't fit), and I will be more mindful of clothes that are truly useful vs clothes that I just want (or find on sale, or buy off the rack because I'm too lazy to try them on). I think if I had a smaller wardrobe full of items that a) fit me and b) easily incorporated into outfits, I'd be less stressed and far less wasteful. When it comes to my girls, I will definitely be buying them less clothes. They are happier with a handful of outfits they love and wear over and over again than they are with a closet that I keep stuffing full of clothes they don't need. I can't tell you how many times I've come home after looking for something I need, like jeans or heaven forbid a swimsuit, and to alleviate my frustration at having NO LUCK, I pick up something cute for the kids. Because it's easier. Because they'll look cute even if I don't. Because I set out to buy something and for the love I will make it happen. Can I make an honest confession? Sometimes I treat my kids like a cute fashion accessory - something to make me look more put together. Again with the vanity. 

So there's week one. Whew! Bring on Week 2! 
(Note: I had no idea that Week 2 would be completely trainwrecked with ER visits and sickness and more stuff I cannot even get into.  Stay tuned...)