Please and Thank You

 I'll try to make this brief - I have one kiddo down for the night and the other two are waiting for snuggles (a key ingredient in the recipe for a good night's sleep).  But I have been so blessed and encouraged by all the prayers that have gone up in Isabel's behalf so I wanted to update you all on the latest and greatest news.


We went back to the ENT today, who went over the results from Isabel's CT scan as well as options for the next step.  Basically, the CT didn't show anything definitive, which is good and bad.  Good because it didn't show anything bad or ominous, bad because it still leaves unanswered questions.  Like why does she have a giant lymph node (official diagnosis; actually I think it's giantus lymph nodicus)?  And what the heck are we supposed to do about it?  But never fear, options were presented.  I'm going to not only give you not only the medical options, but the "crazy mom" version of the options, just to be honest about my paranoia concerns.  Option 1: wait and see what happens, and recheck in a month.   During which I will sit around and hope that this lymph node isn't spreading nasty disease ridden cells throughout my daughter's body.  Option 2: Get a tonsillectomy, during which they would insert a needle into the lymph node to get a closer look at the cells which could tell them something... or nothing at all.  Basically put my kid through yet another medical procedure that could cure her or simply torture her until the next procedure.  Option 3: Do surgery to remove the lymph node, which would leave a scar on her neck, and there's all the risks of surgery plus the risk of hitting the nerve that controls her smile.  At which point if (hopefully) the results show there is nothing wrong with her, I will literally be the mom that scarred her kid for life.  And made it medically impossible for her to smile.  Thank God he also gave us an escape door by referring us to a Pediatric ENT at Children's Memorial who we will be consulting for a 2nd opinion.  When we asked the doctor for his advice regarding surgery, he told us that the only way to know if it's lymphoma is if they remove the lymph node and test it.  (did I mention that's what the concern is here?  Yeah, lymphoma.  It's not likely, but it's what they're watching for.  Flashback to all the horrific episodes of House where they threw out Hodgkins/Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma alongside diseases like Giamba Ray and Sarcoidosis.  I have no idea what those last 2 are but I'm so glad they aren't on the table!)  At which point, if the test comes back negative, we might feel bad that we did the surgery.  But if it comes back positive and she actually has lymphoma, we'll be really glad we did the surgery.  No pressure.  


So other than going to see the Peds ENT, I don't know what our next step will be.  We are praying for wisdom, and trusting God to give it to us.  He did promise it after all.  James 1:5 says that "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."  So that's what we are asking for: wisdom as we evaluate these options, as we consider what is best for our daughter, as we rely on God to help us move forward in faith and not in fear.


Tonight at the dinner table we were doing the Home Front Weekly as a family, and the passage we read was the one in Philippians that I mentioned in my last post: Phil. 4:12-13.  God seems determined to remind me of Paul's words "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation."  It's like He has a plan for me or something.  As we read the passage containing those verses we discussed how Paul was writing those words probably from prison awaiting his trial.  He was waiting for answers...just like we are waiting for answers, and yet he was content.  We talked about what it means to be content - to know and live in God's peace regardless of your circumstances.  And we talked about verse 6 which commands us "Do not be anxious about anything, (God knows Isabel pretty well, too!) but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."   Sort of a Biblical version of the magic words - Please and Thank You.  We talked about those words "with Thanksgiving" and why God chose to include them in His command.  Then we all prayed - with thanksgiving of course.  We thanked God for each other, for the blessings He has given us - a home, a family, health insurance that allows us to meet with incredible doctors.  Even our little 3 year old prayed "please God heal Isabel's neck and thank you for making her better."  Oh the faith of these little ones!  And in that moment, I think we all experienced contentment.  Peace that transcends understanding.  


We closed by reviewing the girls' verse from church for the month: Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are the one I praise."  I know, how perfect is that verse for the girls right now?  I'm telling you, this God of ours is pretty amazing!


The night ended with a fabulous dance party, which Isabel DJ'd while the other 2 girlies twirled away to their hearts content.  I'd say I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanks again for all of you that are praying - please keep it up!  

  

Walking a tightrope

You know how in movies or books, right before some tragic or cataclysmic event occurs, there's a freeze frame of sorts where the main character(s) spend their last moments enjoying life as they know it before everything changes forever?  And after the event occurs they reflect back on that moment in time when they were blissfully unaware of what was to come, realizing that they will never be that person again before they lost someone in that terrible accident/were invaded by aliens/landed on a deserted island, etc.  It's the silliest thing, but sometimes I'll find myself in a moment wondering, "what if this is my blissfully unaware moment?  What if in the next moment everything changes and some event occurs that alters my life and who I am?  How will I want to remember this moment?  What will I want to do and be in this moment?"  Highly dramatic, I know; adolescent even.  But it gets you thinking...


I've had that feeling more than a few times lately, as we've been going back and forth between doctors and clinics and labs trying to find out why our oldest daughter Isabel has this swollen lymph node hanging out on her neck.  She's had 2 rounds of blood work, which have revealed what she doesn't have which is not very helpful as it turns out.  So the next step is to get her in for a CT scan.  The best case scenario is that she's just fighting some unknown virus and her neck will return to its regularly scheduled programming in time.  And we won't even go to the worse case scenario.  But even if it's nothing serious, it's taking it's toll on my little girl.  She has been all out of sorts lately and finally the other day she broke down and tears streaming down her face told me that she's just so tired of doctors and blood tests and she's worried about it all and she just wants to be done.  This child has seen more than her fair share of needles and specialists in her 7 years of life.  When she was little, she complained of tummy aches as soon as she had the words to do so.  Often it was so bad she wouldn't eat, and so for about 2 years she went through rounds of tests and doctor visits and tried all sorts of medications before the doctor finally ruled it as anxiety.  A handful of visits to a counselor and finally she started to get better.  It's really only been about a year now that she's been mostly free from the pain, and we tease her about how much she eats...and eats and eats... but every time she clears her plate and asks for seconds I do an internal happy dance, because I know that it means she's not in pain.  So it just feels unfair that we're back to this life of doctor visits and tests and unknowns again.  And while it's my job as her mom to be strong and comforting and reassuring, the truth is I'm tired and just want to be done, too.  I don't want to have to hold her still while they poke and prod.  I don't want to decide if they should scan her or cut her open or wait and hope it gets better and not worse.  I would rather nag her about cleaning her room, or take her to gymnastics, or worry about whether or not she has enough sunscreen on - normal, blissfully unaware mom stuff.


In the midst of all this, I find myself facing the question, "What is God trying to do in her life?"  Romans 8:28 says that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  So how is God working in Isabel's life?  As I sat with her and held her as she cried and expressed her frustration in all of this I was reminded of the verse that says "You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid your hand upon me." (Psalm 139:5)  And as I shared that verse with her, reminding her that God goes before her and behind her, that He is with her and all around her, she became less anxious and fearful.  We read through the rest of Psalm 139 together, prayed to our Heavenly Father, and in that moment I grasped the second part of that verse - "You have laid your hand upon me."  Sitting there, with my little girl in my lap, I knew that no matter what, God's hand was upon me.  And while I don't know where this path leads, I know that God goes before us.  I don't understand why we've experienced what is behind us, but God is there, too.  Though I don't always like the things I go through, and I may hate the things my daughter goes through, I am amazed at the way God works for the good of us both.  I am so proud of who she is, and I know it's because of who God is shaping her to be.


I don't know if it's cultural or generational, but it seems that what most parents today want for their children is for them to be happy.  So they run around buying them things and enrolling them in activities and more or less making life as pleasant as possible.  Experts tell us that in the long run this will make your child miserable because one day they'll wake up and realize that life isn't fair and things don't always go their way and they won't be able to cope.  Now while I don't like my children to experience pain, I know from my own life experiences that it is often in times of trial that we are closest to God.  And that this process of shaping and molding me into the image of Christ involves some discomfort and seems unpleasant at times, even downright miserable on occasion.  But when I emerge from these more difficult times, I always look back knowing that God has done some of His best work and I wouldn't have it any other way.


A few days ago, this is where this post ended.  I didn't publish it because it felt unfinished, like there was a piece missing.  I knew there was something else God was trying to teach me, and so I clicked the Save button and waited, not so patiently I might add.  


I sat in church yesterday listening to a man in his 90s tell of his life in the military where his plane crashed and he spent weeks on a life raft in the open sea only to be "rescued" by the Japanese who made his life as a POW miserable.  He shared how God rescued and redeemed him.  And he shared 2 verses that have helped him not only survive but heal and forgive.  The first verse was the one I shared earlier from Romans.  Hearing that verse just confirmed a piece of what I knew God was teaching me - that He can and will bring good from all of this and I need to trust Him.  The second verse was Philippians 4:12-13: 


"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."  


And like so many times before and times to come, I felt that tug, that still small voice, and it was asking me, "Are you content?"  I'd like to share with all of you that the answer to that question is "yes."  That my faith is so unwavering, my relationship with Jesus so consuming, that I can say that I have arrived.  But the truth is, this faith journey that I am on is a process, and sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  There are times where this path is wide and open and putting one foot in front of the other is simple, while other times it's like walking a tightrope, where one foot in front of the other seems like an unsurmountable task.  I am not naturally a content person - I like to be in control, I tend to worry, and I am constantly looking towards the future instead of living in the moment.  God has been hard at work in my life and I have made progress, but right now it's back to square one.  It's one thing to be content with my own life, accept my own struggles and hardships and trust in God.  But it's another thing to be content with my daughter's pain and suffering.  And deep down, I struggle to face the question of whether or not I could be content if my daughter was not ok.  I don't believe that God is asking me to be content in the sense that I am happy or nonchalantly accepting of this situation.  I believe, however, that God is challenging me to be content in the sense that I trust Him with this situation, no matter its outcome, knowing that He will work all things for good, that He will go before and behind, that He has laid His hand upon us.      


I cannot say that I am completely content, but I can tell you that I am in the process of becoming so.  That I am practicing obedience, that I am putting my trust in God, that I am only able to do so by His strength.  I love how when God calls us to something, He doesn't expect us to get their on our own.  He is as much in the journey as He is in the destination.  Regardless of whether the path is wide or narrow, God walks with me and we go forward, one foot in front of the other.  


In what areas in your life do you need to practice contentment?  How have you recognized God's presence going before and behind you?  

Look at her go - maybe she could give me a few lessons...