Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I received a phone call that would change our lives.  I had agreed to another placement with Safe Families after telling Matt "This case is perfect - the mom is just in labor and needs help for about 2 weeks.  It's an open and shut case."  We still laugh about that comment.  I can remember the phone call like it was yesterday, the woman from Safe Families asked me if I would rather take the 1 year old boy or the 2 year old girl.  It didn't matter to me - it was fun to have a little boy around for a change, but then we had all those girl's clothes and toys... so girl it was.  It seemed like a simple choice, inconsequential.  After all, it would only be for a couple of weeks.  

Matt was the one who picked her up.  I called him while he was in the car with her to see how things were going and he warned me, "Oh, Noel, she's so cute!  We are in big trouble because we are just going to love her!"  It was a Monday.  She loves to hear the story, which I think she still remembers parts of.  I know she remembers Matt picking her up, and he loves to recount their trip to the grocery store on the way home where she talked non-stop for hours!  (He likes to exaggerate)  And all through the grocery store she talked and talked without taking a breath: "can I have a cake can I have a candy I love cake!  I love candy!  Oooohhh look at that it looks yummy can I have some it looks so yummy I love cake and candy! can I have some?!!!!!!!........"  I wasn't there so I can't verify, but I have to say I tend to believe the story.  She talked to me from the moment I helped her take her coat off, through the multiple baths I had to give her to try and wash the gosh awful mess of gunk out of her hair (I ended up having to cut a chunk out), while I put on her pjs and rocked/sang/read to her until I finally put her in bed.  At which point she screamed for what seemed like hours, only stopping when I checked on her and tried to rock her to sleep.We had no idea that a couple of weeks later, the morning after we had filled out adoption paperwork to begin the process of adopting a baby from China, we would get another call.  This time to tell us that the little girl that we fell in love with instantly would be leaving our home for a foster home.  They didn't have to ask us - we knew immediately that we were supposed to be her foster parents.  We were ready to travel across the world to rescue a little child in need of a family, when God had already put one in our own home.  And the rest is history.  

It's been a year since that Monday, and while she still talks nearly non-stop all day long, she no longer screams when I put her to bed at night (I finally figured out she was afraid I was going to leave her.  As in alone.  In the house.  While I went to the grocery store or something.  Sheesh!)  

People are always asking how we do what we do and the truth is often times I hate foster care.  But I love this little girl.  So I endure the system with its failures and limitations and I remind everyone within the system who will listen of all this little girl has gone through and continues to struggle with in hopes that they will have to listen and make the right choice for her eventually.  The maddening thing is that we are always being told "It's still early.  These things take a long time."  As if a year of living two lives and never knowing where you belong isn't punishment enough for a little girl who's only mistake was being born into a home that couldn't or wouldn't take care of her.  But the courts and the powers that be don't rock this little girl when she's scared to see her biological family.  They don't (still) have to explain to her that when she takes a nap, they will still be there because they don't leave preschoolers home alone.  When she panics and asks if she had breakfast today and it's 3 in the afternoon, they aren't there telling her for the millionth time that in this house we eat 3 meals a day.  Every day.  And we don't run out of food or forget to feed children.  And when she wakes up screaming, they aren't the ones rocking her and promising her that the monsters in her past don't know where she lives and can't hurt her right now.  They read neatly typed reports of what we say she says happened to her, they don't have to hear the stories from her tiny mouth and shaky voice.  Today they didn't have to tell her that she has to go back to wearing pull ups because the last round of visits and bad memories has completely undone the toilet training(s) I've done with her.  I can't help but wonder, if the people who made the laws and executed them were the people that cared for the children those laws most deeply affect, what would change?  If they saw faces instead of statistics, would they look at me, shrug their shoulders, and say "it's still early?"  

I could soapbox for hours, but I'm assuming I'm preaching to the choir.  And it should be noted that the system is flawed because it's run by man and mankind is flawed.  However there are great people working in the system - social workers and lawyers and foster families who fight hard for these children every day.  The greater truth is that 3 years ago when this little girl was pulled from her home she was placed with a family that taught her about Jesus.  And today she is in a home that does the same.  God has a plan for her and won't let her go.  Sometimes people ask me how I can be so calm about all of this.  How I can know that she may have to go back to her biological home, and know exactly what will happen to her if she does, and not lose my mind.  All I can tell you is that she is God's child and He has made it clear through His Word, through His actions, and through the peace He speaks to me that He is in control.  I want to rescue her.  I want the system to wake up and protect her.  I want her mother to make the right choice, let her go, and not let anyone else hurt her.  But she is God's to rescue.  And the more the system fails her, the more the family she was born into fails her, the more I struggle with the fact that I can't save her, the more it is clear that only God is her refuge.  I pray and I know others join us that God will rescue her, and I have peace in this chaos because I know at the end of this story it will be clear that only He was her rescuer.  No one else will get the credit and that will speak more clearly to her than paperwork signed by people who will forget her face and never hear her story.  So we fight knowing that the battle is the Lord's.  I felt like God gave me the story of the persistent widow in Luke 18.  I hold tightly to verse 7 and part of verse 8: "And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night?  Will He keep putting them off?  I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly."  So I pray most of all for justice, and quickly.

I was talking to my mom recently and saying how I wish there were more families who would fight for these kids.  And while we discussed all the great reasons that families like ours wouldn't want to throw themselves into the mess of foster care (I swore we would never become foster parents for those very reasons!), it got me thinking.  First of all, we aren't foster parents because we want to adopt children who will fit perfectly into our family.  We became foster parents because we believed God called us to be a part of His plan to rescue the little girl that was living with us.  And while there are many, many difficulties and drawbacks, ultimately there is nothing better than being exactly where God wants you.  More importantly, there is nothing more rewarding than being a part of God at work, and being used by Him to accomplish His plan.  We use the stories of Moses and Jonah all the time as illustrations of how ridiculous it is to run from God's plan.  Because we can skip ahead to the end of the story, we see how foolish it is that Moses tried to use a simple stutter to pass off the responsibility of leading God's people in a mass exodus out of slavery and into His promised land.  God could have used someone else to accomplish the same rescue plan.  But then Moses would never had felt God's power course through his walking stick to part the Red Sea; he never would have looked over his shoulder at the waves of people following him towards freedom; he never would have climbed Mt Sinai and seen the face of God and been so transformed that his face literally shone with God's glory.  We don't limit God by our refusal to be a part of His plan, but we miss out on all that God will do in and through us if we lay aside our excuses and jump in.  I think of all the times I've used Jonah as an (obvious!) example of why we should obey God, and how ridiculous it is to try to run from Him.  But we know that whale's coming when we open the book - pretty sure if Jonah had been able to skip ahead he would have made a different choice.  And hindsight being 20/20, there are so many times that I have ignored God's voice because I didn't know what was coming.  Wouldn't it be great if we just did what we told our children and followed directions the first time?  While I swore up and down we wouldn't do foster care, now that I'm in the thick of it and have hindsight and all that, I see things differently.  Yes, it's messy and difficult and at times painful.  And yes, we have plenty of other things on our plate without adding a traumatized child with way too much baggage.  This year we have struggled with infertility, a miscarriage, and the possibility of our oldest daughter having cancer.  We carry enough baggage.  And while I haven't felt God pass through my walking stick to part the local body of water, I have watched Him transform a little girl.  I have felt how powerful His words are when spoken in her voice.  I have been granted more peace and patience and strength than I would have dared asked for.  And when I look back, I have watched God's faithfulness prove true in our family over and over again.  So while I hate this process, I am humbled and grateful to be part of God's plan.  I'm not saying that God is telling you to be a foster parent.  But I am telling you that here in this broken world in need of a Savior, He wants to use you to be part of His rescue plan.  There is a job He is calling you to do, and you won't regret throwing your excuses out the window and jumping in.

More than anything, this journey of foster care has taught me to depend on God.  And this little girl, who clings to Jesus and the hope He brings, has taught me that God will work in and through us if only we allow Him to.  So happy one year anniversary, little girl.  We are so thankful God brought you into our lives.        

Be still and know

You know we're under stress when you can hear 90s worship music playing while my husband makes dinner.  My slightly weird wonderful husband seems to access his inner Pentecostal when life gets out of control, which is why God's Property was blasting as he made tacos last night.  Incidentally, as long as he continues to make tacos, he can listen to any music he wants.  GP are you with me?  (Consider yourself very cool if you get that reference).  

While Matt faces problems with worship music, I take the less mature approach and try to avoid them.  Which is why I've watched way too much television in the last few days and would prefer to fast forward my life to Thursday.  Why Thursday?  Because today and tomorrow stress me out, and I'm not a fan of stress.  Today we have our 20 week ultrasound.  And as thrilled as I am to feel this little guy kicking and squirming inside of me, I don't think I'll shake the fear that something will go terribly wrong until they place him securely in my arms.  Call me crazy, but I don't have a lot of confidence in my uterus these days.  And tomorrow we are going (back) to court.  Not for the usual check in and review of the same motions lawyers have been filing every month for almost a year.  This court date seems to actually matter in the great debate of where these precious children will grow up and most likely I'll be asked to testify and answer questions about our 3 year old's story.  She's been talking a lot lately about what happened to her when she was at home, and I'm the voice that will speak for her tomorrow.  My voice doesn't carry much weight, it doesn't get a say in decisions that will be made.  But my voice is her voice, and for at least a few moments, I have the chance to make her voice heard.  The terrifying part of this isn't just knowing that in the grand scheme of lawyers and judges and social workers, my voice is powerless.  It's the fear that my voice is inadequate.  I can't control a courtroom with my words, and I can't give this little girl the life she deserves with a little speech.  So my prayer is that tomorrow it will not be my voice that speaks for her but it will be God's.  Because His words don't return void.  They don't lack authority.  They won't fail her.  His words spoke the world into existence, and I know they can speak truth that will set her free.  

Today before the girls left for school we practiced the verse they are working on at church: Psalms 46:10 states "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still.  Know that I am God.

I put too much faith in people and systems, in judges and lawyers and court rooms.  Not because I believe in them, but because I believe in their power.  In a sense, I exalt them, because to exalt means to lift up, to raise or elevate.  Over and over again God has proved to be this little girl's refuge, her safe place.  He has rescued her, He will redeem her.  I'm just given the privilege of being a part of His plan, a tool that He uses.  Plenty of people have competed to be the villain in her story, but only He is the hero.  Because her story is His story, and throughout Scripture we see that while suffering happens, pain is endured, and hardship threatens to overwhelm, God never leaves or forsakes us and He promises to carry us through it all.  

So as we listen to outdated worship music and watch too much television, and most importantly drop to our knees in prayer for wisdom and peace and victory, we ask that you join with us.  (Not in the music or television part, although that's fine too).  Pray that we will Be Still.  Pray that we will trust our Father.  And pray that as we gather in that courtroom tomorrow that He will speak through us, with words that are not our own and with authority that man cannot resist.  

Because when this is all over, God will be exalted.  

Advent: Anticipate the Light

I admit that it's been harder for me to celebrate Christmas the past few days and I'm guessing I'm not the only one.  It's hard to look at my childrens' presents under the tree and not think of unwrapped presents waiting for children who won't come home.  I struggle to sing Joy to the World when I think of the pain that parents and brothers and sisters are enduring right now.  My girls are 6 and 7 years old and looking at the list of innocent children, all 6 or 7 years old, that were massacred in a place they thought was safe, it just crushes my heart,  Matt and I decided to talk to our older girls about what happened before they went to school today because we wanted them to hear the truth of what happened from their parents, and not some other version from kids on the bus or the playground.  And we wanted them to know that while many people in the world are safe and kind even, there are bad people who hurt others.  As much as we'd like to preserve their innocence and let them believe that the world is a safe place, we also want them to know enough of the truth to make sure their world stays as safe as possible.  They've practiced "code red drills" at school before, but they never really thought about what those drills mean ( they said they were told that the drills are for "in case there's a robber.")  Apparently an adult approached a child at their school once and offered them a ride home and they put the school on lock down and had code red drills for a week, so they're assuming they'll have code red drills for two weeks at least (I didn't remind them that it's only 1 week until Christmas break.)  I laid awake last night trying to find a reasonable excuse to keep them home today, and I hugged them tighter and stalled the goodbyes before they got on the bus today, and I suppose I won't breathe easy until they come back home again.  

The questions that we are all wrestling with in the aftermath of Friday's horrific tragedy are difficult - why did this happen?  Where was God in all of this and why did He not save these children?  These are not easy questions and they shouldn't have quick or simple or pithy answers.  I get really frustrated when those who call themselves Christ followers answers these questions rationally or even "Biblically," without compassion or wisdom or even some common sense.  If I hear one more person comment that we've taken God out of schools so why do we act surprised that He didn't stop this tragedy I'm going to vomit.  As if we actually have the power to remove an omnipresent all powerful God from any place let alone a building full of innocent children.  I understand what people mean when they say this, I get the rational point they are making.  But the truth is that God was there in that building, He didn't abandon those children, He is not in the business of forsaking people to make a point or get revenge.  If that man had walked in my kids' school instead of the school in CT, I don't know that God would have spared my girls' lives, but I do know that He would have been very real and present for them throughout the nightmare.  I know that He has promised never to leave or forsake them (Hebrews 13:5), to be their refuge and ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1), and to guard their hearts with peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7).  God is present in their school today, not just because God is present everywhere, but because my children and all children who believe carry God with them in their hearts.  I pray often with my kids that they will shine God's light wherever they go.  I teach them that their actions make it possible for God to remain in their school (where incidentally they say the pledge every day, including the words "under God" and pause for a moment of silence, during which they pray.  Every day.  And yes, it's a public school).  If we are so concerned with God being in or out of our schools, then we should make it our mission to carry Him in with us when we volunteer, and teach our children to be a living example of God's love in the classroom, the lunchroom and on the playground.  

But back to Christmas.  One of our family's favorite Christmas traditions is lighting our Advent candles.  It wasn't a tradition we grew up with, so I'm not sure why we decided to start it with our own family, but it's become this special time in our week where we pause to light a candle, say a prayer, remember why we celebrate Christmas.  Advent means "anticipation."  During advent we celebrate in anticipation of Christ's coming - both His first coming as a baby and His second coming as King.  We remember the years spent waiting, longing for that first coming.  Many of those years spent in darkness, in slavery, in chains of injustice and violence and fear.  Today more than ever I think about those 400 years between the last prophet's final breath in the Old Testament and the sound of God in human form, erupting as a baby's cry on that first Christmas.  How that silence must have echoed, how distant God must have felt.  400 years without hearing from God, not a word or a prophecy, only hope that one day He would come.  Then light breaks forth from darkness, angels split wide open the night sky, a star appears and shines as if to say "what you have waited for has come at last!"  2000 years later, we celebrate that first coming and the ever-permeating light it brought to our world.  Emmanuel, God with us.  Here.  Now.  Forever.  And we anticipate His coming again, to rule and reign and bring an end to all that is evil and unjust.  Today more than ever I long for that time where God will deliver us from this world wracked with sin and pain.  But recently I read something that made me look at Advent in a new way.  It was an advent devotional (I wish I could find it again, but I have no idea where it is), and it spoke of anticipation in the here and now.  You see Christ's coming is not just a past and future event.  Emmanuel, God with us, means that He is here now and we can anticipate, long for, look for His presence every day.  In this dark world, we must look expectantly for His light to shine, knowing that light shines all the brighter in the midst of darkness.  There's a story floating around the internet about something Mr. Roger's mom told him when tragedy strikes - she told him to "look for the helpers, you will always find people helping."  While that is true (and great parenting, if you ask me), the greater truth is that we should look for Jesus, anticipate His light shining through the darkness.  In words of comfort, in selfless acts, in an outpouring of heartfelt support, in peace that passes all understanding.  Like a candle lit in the darkness, God's love will burn bright.  What if in the darkness we simply look expectantly for His love to shine more clearly?  And as believers, shouldn't we anticipate, long for, expect to shine that light for the world to see?  One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 58:10, "and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday."  Earlier in the chapter Isaiah writes, "Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice... to set the oppressed free... Is it not to share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear" (v 6-8)  Instead of reacting emotionally, let's pause in this season of advent to let God respond through us so that His light is seen by all.  Let us pray that the world that screams out "where is God?" will look at us and see Him, Emmanuel, God with us.  

Knowing that God is with us, being comforted by His presence, it doesn't answer the questions that echo throughout our country today.  We will never know "why" this happened, not in this lifetime.  But we do have hope to hold onto.  Hope that this pain and suffering will one day end.  Hope that God will draw close to us if we draw close to Him.  We know that this world will never satisfy our longing, can never fulfill our anticipation, doesn't begin to meet our expectations.  The truth is we don't belong here, we were created to be in relationship with our Creator, and until we are home with Him we will always wrestle with the emptiness this world offers us.  But as we celebrate Advent, that longing and anticipation and expectation is met with Christ's light, giving us hope to hang onto and to shine out into the darkness.  

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice!  Rejoice!  Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.      

30 Days of Gratitude

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

wait, who am I kidding?  My halls were decked a week ago.  Yes I am one of those offensive people who dares to string the lights and hang the stockings before Thanksgiving.  I don't know we're supposedly offending by trimming the tree before the 1st of December but I for one am happy to start counting down the days until Christmas before I can pack away the kids' halloween costumes.  I love Christmas.  That, my friends, is an understatement.  Blame it on the fact that my name means Christmas, or the fact that growing up we had more Christmas trees than bedrooms, I just can't get enough of it.  This year however, I gave a lot of thought to the idea that as believers we should give more than a tip of our hats to a holiday that is centered upon the idea of giving thanks for our blessings.  Thanksgiving wasn't invented by the Pilgrims and Indians (or Native Americans), God's people have had celebrations centered around giving thanks for centuries.  Psalm 107:1 says: Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."   While I'm still not convinced I should leave my Christmas decorations in their boxes for an extra week or two, I was inspired to take more time as a family to practice thankfulness, or gratitude.  So when I happened upon a gratitude-centered idea on Pinterest, I pinned it with great excitement.  And then I put it on my digital calendar so it wouldn't collect virtual cobwebs amongst all the other fabulous ideas wasting away on my Pinterest boards.  (Because, really, when am I going to find the time to make a family mission statement out of wood pallets or make those holiday themed cake balls that will never look as cute in real life?)

Imagine my delight when my phone kindly reminded me on the day we were to begin our family gratitude project.  The project was actually a photo challenge - aptly named 30 Days of Gratitude.  Each day we were given a word prompt and the challenge was to take a picture of whatever that word was or reminded us of, taking a moment to thank God for blessing us with, well whatever we were photographing.  I loved the simplicity of it - the prompts were simple, nothing you had to think deeply about or travel far to find.  We quickly learned that we are surrounded by innumerable blessings, big and small.  

                                       Like the morning sky...

 

                                                                             And leaves...

Hands...

(Sofi took this picture of her holding hands with her uncle Josh)

                                                                                            Written word...

(Isabel wrote her favorite verse on a box of meals
our church packed to send to starving kids
in Nicaragua)



 

And an inspiring person.  (Matt totally copied me on this one.)

We included the whole family in the project (even some of our extended family), with each person taking their own pictures on their own devices.  Our 3 year old was a little young to hand an ipod over to but she had fun watching us run around taking pictures every day.  At the end of the project, my husband, myself, and our 2 older daughters each had 30 pictures of things we were grateful for.  That's 120 pictures, which we printed off (a small miracle for this family who hasn't printed pictures since we bought a digital camera in 2007) and had a blast looking through them together.  I loved seeing each person's perspective, how some things were similar and others completely different.  It gave me a window in my daughter's hearts and my husband's as well.  Take "Happiness" for example.   

 For Isabel, happiness was seeing 

her grandpa and sister smile

And Sofi felt that candy was the ultimate definition of happiness (a perspective she may have gotten from yours truly)

What I loved most about this project was that it encouraged me (and I think each member of our family) to be grateful for the little things.  Things I take for granted, things I grumble about, things that I couldn't earn or create or buy with money.

Like the geese that soar and gather and land in the field behind our house...




It's hard to see in the picture but there are hundreds of them.  We see and hear them often but have never stopped to watch them like we did that afternoon.  Groups of them would fly past our house, follow the same arc as they turned around and then landed in the field.  Hundreds of geese followed this same pattern and were still coming and going when we finally went inside.  The girls, of course found this amazing.




I even found gratitude in a basket of laundry, waiting to be folded and put away.




Because piles of laundry mean that we have nice warm clothes to wear.  More clothes than we need, in fact.
















My favorite picture, though, was of Lights:

Because what better to be grateful for than Christmas?  (I wasn't kidding, I truly love Christmas)









When we finally strung them up all up at my mom's house on Thanksgiving (along with my parents' and brother's pictures) we had quite the display.  Definitely a new take on "counting our blessings."  Check out the end result:

The girls had so much fun looking through the pictures with their grandma

 This picture shows just a small section of our clothesline of gratitude, that looped around the dining room and into the kitchen.  It was a great reminder of all the little things we take for granted every day.  And a few days later when we celebrated Thanksgiving Part 2 with my in laws (is there anything more amazing than TWO Thanksgivings?!) the girls proudly showed off their photographic display again.  

Whether we're preparing for the Thanksgiving holiday or stringing up Christmas lights, or even sipping lemonade in the summer sun (doesn't that seem like ages ago?), our hearts should sing with gratitude.  At any given moment, God has surrounded us with a hundred reasons to give thanks.  So take a moment, get lost in the expanse of the milky way, marvel at your child's perfect fingers, breathe in the aroma of your morning coffee, listen to the chorus of birds singing.  Give thanks for the breathtaking handiwork of an Almighty God.  Give thanks for the blessings He has filled your life with (and yes, that includes laundry.  And the dirty dishes that mean you have food to ward off hunger, the gas tank on empty that means you have a car to drive, the blaring alarm clock that means you have a job to rely on or kids to cherish, even the housework that means you have a home worth caring for).  Better yet, involve your kids in this miracle of gratitude.  Even though Thanksgiving is over with, what better way to start off the season during which we celebrate God's greatest Gift?  

As I'm writing this, my three year old is singing in the background, "I wanted to thank You, thank You, thank  You," a worship song that she has heard perhaps in the car or in church.  Our hearts were made to sing His praises, and the miracle of thanksgiving, the divine gift of gratitude, is that it fills us with joy.  It is impossible to give thanks and not be joyful.  

So deck your halls, sing falala, have yourself a merry little Christmas.  But most importantly, give thanks.  It's the surest way to find joy this Christmas season, and throughout the year.  

So what are you thankful for?

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

I find that the end of the day, when my girls are snuggled up in pjs and tired from a long day at work and play, I have this window of opportunity to connect with them, really connect in a transparent and unfiltered way that makes the day's drudgery of cleaning and laundry and homework helping and car shuttling seem so unimportant in comparison.  It occurs to me that I spend 99% of my day doing these "unimportant" tasks, and just a few minutes snuggled up with my oldest girls in their bunk bed (yes, imagine all three of us in a twin bed and feel free to laugh) or my youngest on her rocking chair, and these few minutes usually yield the most fruit.  Which makes me think I should hire a maid or nanny to take care of the "unimportant tasks", because then I would be an amazing parent ;)

I don't always take advantage of these moments.  In fact, I am often too tired or frustrated and have had it "up to HERE!" at this point of the day and I am all to happy to switch off lights, close the doors on my children's darkened room, and collapse on the couch.  Or even the floor.  The amount of talking that happens in a house full of 3 little girls is incomprehensible at times and at the end of the day I am ready for a break from all the talking (which comes in many forms - whining, tattling, arguing, complaining, shouting, giggling, singing, sharing, complimenting, expressing... you get the idea).  But the other night, I took those few minutes with my 2 oldest girls and made the most of it.

Isabel was ironically refusing to speak to anyone at the moment - the long day had gotten the best of her and after a series of unfortunate events that sent her to bed a bit early she was curled up under her blankets shutting out the world.  So of course I just invited myself in.  I snuggled in next to her, and started a conversation.  Being the chatty little thing that she is, she couldn't resist the temptation for long and reluctantly joined in.  I don't remember what we were talking about, but she had shared some frustration and I encouraged her to pray, telling her that after a long day and before a new long day ahead, it's a perfect time to spend a few moments talking to her Heavenly Father.  To which she responded, "I don't know how!"  I resisted the urge to lecture her on the countless times we have discussed prayer and prayed together, and the obvious fact that she prays frequently herself.  We often talk as a family about how we can talk to God like He is right here with us, because He is.  And that our prayers don't need to be fancy or formal, it's just us having a conversation with Jesus.  But that night I talked to her about the types of things we can include in our prayers.   I encouraged her to thank God, to present her requests, to confess and ask forgiveness for her sins, and finally to praise God.  She asked how to do the last part - to praise God.  So I suggested to do it together, taking turns.  I started out by saying something that was true about God, like God You are holy, then she responded with another word.  At some point Sofi joined us and there we all were, snuggled up on that tiny bed, praising God together.  This was not an elaborate and planned lesson on prayer.  It wasn't a regularly scheduled family Bible study.  It was just us, taking a moment, making the most of an opportunity, giving the glory back to the God who created all the moments before and every one yet to come.

Isabel was the last one to name a truth about God and she said "You are merciful."  It was like the icing on the cake, because I knew that day she needed to experience and appreciate God's mercy.  Just a few hours earlier, she had run into her sister (accidentally or on purpose was the much heated debate) and it had sent her into a tailspin.  After some tears and poorly controlled anger, I pulled her aside and asked her why she was so upset.  The incident wasn't the end of the world, everyone had moved past it, and yet here she was, jaw clenched, fist tight, head bowed.  She wouldn't speak it out loud, and I insisted that I'm her mom, so she has to talk to me (this ploy still works... for now) so she wrote the words instead.  And here is what she wrote:

"I HATE making mistakes."

Mistakes - proof of our imperfection, tools that we use to remind ourselves that we're not _______ enough.  Smart enough, calm enough, thoughtful enough, strong enough, old enough, experienced enough.... good enough.  I watch helplessly at times as Satan uses my daughter's mistakes to convince her that she's not good enough, and no amount of preaching and teaching on my part can defend her little heart from the weight of her mistakes.  Which incidentally, are few and far between.  No child is perfect, and mine are no exception, but Isabel is truly a good girl.  She has a heart full of compassion and hands that are quick to serve, but oh how she strives to be perfect.  The truth is that I can't heal the wounds caused by her mistakes and the guilt she feels because of them, but God can.  So laying there in the quiet darkness of her room, the truth that God is merciful was just the truth she needed to speak, to accept, to experience.  Because mercy doesn't just cover her mistakes, it obliterates them.  It makes them as worthless and powerless as the lies spoken by the one who reminds her of them over and over again.  Praise God, for He is merciful.

What do you know to be true about God?  Take a moment to speak those truths, praising God for who He is and not just what He has done.  If you have children, praise God together, snuggle under the covers and make the most of those little moments before they're gone.  

Isabel's Story

So I shared in a recent post that I was going to have Isabel tell her story of how God spoke to her before her surgery, so here it is!  I was so excited to sit down and write this with her (she dictated while I typed).  She started out by explaining to me how stories needed an introduction and a main idea and a conclusion... future writer perhaps???  But no matter how many times I hear her tell this story, it always fills my heart to overflowing.  I know that God speaks, I have heard that still, small voice countless times throughout my life.  And I know that God's love is deep and wide and is full of mysteries I will never fathom in this lifetime.  I do my best with God's help to put my kids, as Michelle Anthony (author of Spiritual Parenting) "on the path of the divine" - to walk with them on a journey that continually moves us deeper into a relationship with Jesus.  And yet nothing compares to those moments when your child reaches milestones in their faith journey, then shares those moments with you.  Suddenly they become the teacher and you become the student.  I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves me, but I am profoundly comforted by the way He loves my children.  So without further ado, here is her story...

Isabel about a week before surgery -
this little girl was sick and miserable!

One day I found out that I was having surgery.  I got really, really, really scared.  I wasn’t trusting in God, I only thought the doctors could help me.  But I felt the Holy Spirit touching me – I don’t know how to explain it, I couldn’t hear Him but I felt His words.  Then He said “I am the Son of God, trust me.”  I still wouldn’t believe Him.  He kept telling me the same words over and over again.  When that happened, I felt weird inside, like I haven’t felt before.  There was a little tingling feeling the 4^th time God told me to listen to Him, to trust Him.  I knew God was talking to me but I didn’t trust Him so I was nervous about the surgery.  I wasn’t eating that much because my throat hurt (she had strep) and everything was just hurting really bad, I didn’t know what it was.  

Feeling much better at the American
Girl Doll Store!

But then we were going to the American Girl doll store and when we were going my Grandpa took a wrong turn.  We passed by the hospital that I was going to for my surgery, which was Children’s Memorial.  Finally when we passed by that I said in my head, “Oh yeah I know that is God” and then I trusted Him.  And then I wasn’t scared at all!

Before I trusted God I felt terrible.  After the surgery, I felt like a new person because I just felt stronger because I listened to God.  It felt good that a lot of people were praying and it made a big difference.  When they prayed and when I trusted, the doctors were testing for Cancer.  But then I heard the news and I was so excited that I didn’t have Cancer!!!  I learned that I need to trust God!    

               

 


These last two pictures were taken at the hospital before Isabel's surgery.  Isabel is a nervous and anxious kid by nature - she suffers from anxiety related chronic stomach pain (which is a fancy way of saying she gets anxious often and then her tummy hurts) and has seen specialists for the pain and even a counselor .  So to see her so at peace and even cheerful before her surgery was nothing short of a miracle.  There was a marked difference in her from before that day we "accidentally" drove by the hospital and after.  It was weeks after her surgery that we finally realized why.

Here is what I learned, and what I reaffirmed with my daughter:  God loves her so much that He will speak to her, and even when she is filled with doubt, He will go before and behind her and will press after her until she realizes how much she is loved.  Too often we feel that we're not good enough - that God can't use us, love us, reach us.  That if we make a mistake or miss God's voice or heaven forbid flat out ignore it, God will punish or turn away or let us go.  But God says "trust me."  And when we ignore or argue or doubt, He repeats: "trust me."  Until finally we can't fight or argue any more.


What is God trying to speak into your life?  Your kids' lives?  If you aren't sure of the answer, take a beat and listen.  Encourage your kids to listen.  Open God's Word, take a quiet moment and pray, and wait expectantly for God to speak.  And know that God speaks to His children, and when we are too stubborn to listen, He speaks again.  Just like He spoke to Isabel.  

(How's that for a conclusion?)

5 Year Plans... and other things I don't believe in

A few days ago, Matt and I were driving in the car and he asks, "What would be the title of your autobiography?"  As if my life is so interesting that I could write an entire book about it.  Of course, he has several ideas for his own autobiography and then we start discussing my own fictional version.  A book that I have always joked that we should write together would be called Things I Never Thought I'd Say... And Then I Had Kids.  Some of the chapters would include: "We wear pants in this family!!!"  And "Actually the thing you hang your coat on is a hook, not a hooker."  HA!  I still laugh whenever I think of that story :)  Then Matt suggested 5 Year Plans... and other things I don't believe in.  Which is perfect.  If ever my life became interesting enough to write a book about, that would be the title.  It's completely ironic, and I will tell you why.

I am all about plans.  I love them.  Lesson plans, vacation plans, holiday plans, and yes, 5 year plans.  Even 10 year plans.  In fact, why stop there, we have so many years ahead of us that I could plan!!!  One of my favorite verses in High School was Jeremiah 29:11 which begins, "For I know the plans I have for you..."  Ahhh, even God loves plans.  Right now I'm planning a little getaway for Matt and I at the end of the month and I have spent hours, literally hours, on travel websites searching for the perfect hotels, restaurants, and activities.  I get so excited when I find the best deal possible and the perfect plan for the perfect trip.  I could go on but I think you get the point.  I am always saying that whenever I make a plan, God laughs.  Here's what I've decided: God let us know in middle school that we would spend the rest of our lives together (true story); so He figures after that kind of a heads up, He can pretty much hand us a mystery package with a major life change and shout "Surprise!" whenever He wants.   I have no theological support or Scriptural backing for that statement so you can take it or leave it ;)  However, it seems to be a pattern throughout our marriage that whenever we sit back, survey the life that we are blessed with, and give it the "5 year plan" stamp of approval, God pulls out the piece in the middle and it all falls over like a tower of Jenga blocks.  Before you think that I am blaming God for ruining my life, let me finish. After our tower falls down around us, we are always amazed at how God picks up the building blocks of our lives and puts them together into something we couldn't have dreamed up on our own.  For example, just over a year ago Matt and I had a conversation like so many before it.  We looked at our lives - Matt was working in Kids World and was running or starting some other ministry adventures on the side (if you don't know this about Matt he loves to work and he loves to start things.  Some men play golf to relax, Matt starts a new side job.  It's how he rolls).  I was enjoying my life as a preschool teacher, we were volunteering as a Safe Family and planning to have another baby.  We had calculated how much space we had and how long we could live in this home before we needed to move.  And as we looked at each other and our life, we decided it was good.  Things were perfect just the way they were.  5 year plan approved.  

Then Matt got this voicemail late one night from his boss' boss.  It was non-urgent but important so he should check in the next day.  At which point we spent the rest of the evening panicked and scrambling our brains to figure out what on earth that phone call was about.  I'll never forget Matt coming home and sitting down to tell me that he had been asked if he would be interested in being the campus pastor at Bartlett.  You want to know my reaction?  I laughed.  Out loud.  Then I laughed some more.  Not in a blasphemous or Abraham and Sarah kind of a way, but in a "there goes the Jenga blocks again" kind of way.  I should have known better - the 5 year plan was the clincher, it always is.  As we went through rounds of interviews and were continually asked how we felt about the changes that this new venture would bring I just smiled.  This wasn't the first time our lives were upended and I know it won't be the last - but the thing I have always learned is that no matter how scrambled our plans get, God always something better.    

This picture of Sofi was taken about 10 months after our 5
year plan was amended to state "wait 3 years to have baby #2."
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson then...

I wasn't always so flexible, I can assure you.  When we first moved here from Madison 5 and a half years ago, I struggled with the change.  And I confess that I did more than my fair share of pouting of our ruined 5 year plan.  It took me several months to not just see but acknowledge God's hand in our lives and finally confess that His plan was so much better than my own.  When you look back at wasted weeks and months spent fighting God instead of trusting Him, you have two choices.  Ok, you probably have several choices but here's what I came up with.  I could beat myself up and spend more time feeling sorry for myself or guilty for my poor decisions.  Or I could learn from my mistakes, enjoy the life that God had blessed me with, and make a decision to trust God next time.  Because there is always a next time.  There is a concept in teaching called scaffolding, and the basic idea is to introduce a skill, then help the student practice the skill, then eventually stand back and watch the student use the skill independently.  The point is that you work with and support the student as they move towards mastery, proving plenty of practice but less and less assistance as they become more confident.  In a way, God does this with us all of the time.  We learn a concept - either we read it in scripture or from a message at church or sometimes God speaks it to us more directly.  Then we put it into practice, with God's constant support until we become more and more confident in what He has taught us.  I have grown up in church, so I have always known that God has a plan for my life and that I should trust Him with that plan.  But as I began to put that into practice, I found it was a lot harder to do than say.  Philippians 1:6 says that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  God is a God of second chances - the whole of scripture attests to this.  From the moment man sinned, God put into motion a plan that would redeem him and restore the relationship between God and His creation.  Now life is a lot easier when we master the lesson quickly, but when we don't, when we struggle or even fail, God doesn't close the book, end the lesson and mark a giant red "F" on our lives.  He continues to teach, offer practice, provide support, and if we will as Paul writes "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14), we will with Christ succeed.   In Romans 8, we learn that God works all things for our good (v28) and that nothing can separate us from God's love (35-30) - not even our own shortcomings.  Verse 37 says that "We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (emphasis mine).  

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  If you are continually facing the same type of problems or trials in your life (like angst over a continually wrecked 5 year plan), ask yourself if it is possible that God is trying to teach you a lesson that you just won't learn.  If the answer is yes (and it might not be), then learn the lesson already and get on with your life!  Yes, at times I have failed in learning these lessons myself, and God has been faithful to give me plenty of practice, always teaching, supporting, moving me closer to the person He has created me to be.  And I certainly haven't mastered the concept; at times God has to come alongside of me and carry me through a time when I am struggling to trust His plan.  But I have found myself at times anticipating the winds of change and looking forward to what God is going to do in my life.  

So when Matt asked me the other day where I thought we'd be in 5 years, I answered "I have no idea." Oh I have plans, lots of plans, but I know that God's plans may be different and I am unshaken in my belief that they are better.  I am in a place right now where I feel that things are good, but I also have the sense that things are about to change.  There is so much up in the air with our lives right now - we're thinking of moving (not leaving the area, just moving homes), we have no idea what will happen with our 3 year old (they keep telling us her case will probably take years; apparently they don't believe in 5 year plans either), and those 2 things alone leave a lot of loose ends.  But God knows the plan.  Jeremiah 29:11 continues and states that God's plans are "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  God is speaking this verse to His people who are in exile.  They had turned from Him and had faced the natural consequences of a life spent making your own life plan and ignoring God's.  But the words He spoke to them were "hope" and future."  Yes, they experienced a season of pain, but true to His Word and His character, God rescued and redeemed and restored the relationship.  

Tomorrow we celebrate the 1 year anniversary of the Bartlett Campus.  It's hard to imagine how different our lives would be if God didn't work beyond the scope of our 5 year plan.  We are blessed and so grateful for the changes He has brought to our life.  So I sit hear at my computer and boldly declare "I don't believe in 5 year plans."  And the Noel from 10 years ago would have had a panic attack before making such a declaration so I am making progress!

This picture was taken a year ago at Super Second Saturday, when all 4 CCC
campuses raked leaves throughout neighborhoods in Bartlett.   Hard to believe
it's been a year!  We've come so far and have loved every minute of it!

What's in your 5 year plan?  Have you left room for the plan that God has for you?