Plot Twist

I love the "On This Day" feature on Facebook. Having an infant and a toddler makes me all nostalgic for the days when my big girls were little and it's fun to look back and see how they've grown. Several weeks ago, Facebook reminded me (because they "care about me and the memories I've shared") that I started this blog 4 years ago. I had to laugh at my first couple of posts which laid out the reason I started this blog, along with some cute pictures of my (not so) big girls:

Four years ago we announced our plans to add to our family of 4 by adopting a child with special needs from China. Update: we are now a family of 6, and none of us were born outside of the midwest. All four of our kids are biological and we never made it to China. I've been struggling with the story of how we went from our plans to travel the globe to bring home our third son or daughter, to having 2 more biological children. Like any good story, it has broken parts and dark spaces punctuated by bursts of joy all washed in grace. Here's how the story unfolds...

Four years ago,  Wait. Let me back up further. Five years ago, we decided we were ready to add another child to our family. We had just started volunteering as a Safe Family and loved the fun and chaos that another child brought into our home, but there was always an empty space when each placement ended and another child went back home. After months went by and we still weren't pregnant, I began to wonder if God wanted us to adopt. It was something I'd always considered, and as Matt and I prayed over weeks and months my desire to have a biological child was replaced by a new desire to adopt. Our prayers and research led us to our decision to adopt a child with special needs from China. We were so excited. We met with a local agency about doing our home study and filled out the paperwork and wrote the check for the initial fees. The stamped envelope was sitting on my kitchen counter when I received a phone call that would change our lives. We had recently taken in a new placement through Safe Families - an almost 3 year old little girl named Audrey. In the few weeks that she had been with us, it had become clear that her situation was more complicated than others we had dealt with in the past, and we had become attached to her very quickly. As I sat on the phone talking with my coach, she let me know that Audrey would be transitioning to foster care and would be leaving our home to stay with a foster family. I immediately asked if it was possible for us to foster her. Matt and I had some hard discussions, but from the beginning, his response was "we can do this for her. We can do this for Audrey." And so the envelope on the counter never got sent. Why cross the globe to rescue a child when there was one already sleeping in the bedroom upstairs?

I had big dreams for Audrey. My plan from day 1 was to adopt her - after all, that's what we started out to do: add to our family via adoption. I envisioned years of family vacations, sending her off to college, watching her walk down the aisle. Clearly I'm a bit neurotic with the future plans. When my dreams for her didn't come true, I began looking back at my story, at my family's story, and suddenly the plot twists and turns didn't make sense. All the pieces that neatly fell into place were now jumbled and I began to wonder if I heard God correctly, or if I ever heard Him at all. Have you ever found yourself standing center stage, wondering how your story got so messed up?

Speaking of stories, my 2 year old is currently obsessed with the story of Jonah. So much so, that sometimes when he retells the story, he places himself in the story. I don't know if he truly is called to "tell the bad people in Ninevah to obey God!" but he's pretty convincing when he exclaims that he got swallowed up by a whale. His favorite part of the story, which we have in picture book form, is when Jonah is sinking and says, "glug, glug, glug." Ironically, the Bible study I've been doing recently walked through the story of Jonah. It's not one of my favorites, to be honest. Jonah is a bit whiny and naive in my humble opinion. How do you hear the voice of God and assume He can't find you on a boat sailed off in the opposite direction of God's calling? And then he gets a second chance, only to whine that God gave Ninevah a second chance as well? He reminds me of my 2 year old, throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Anyways, for my whole life, I've always thought that "the moral of the story of Jonah is: don't disobey God or He will punish you." It makes sense - Jonah disobeyed God, God punished him, he obeyed God. Solid theology. Unless... what if the story isn't really about Jonah? What if Jonah isn't the main character? Over the past few years I've had the privilege of working as a writer of children's ministry curriculum. It's challenged me to sit down with a passage of Scripture and really examine it, so that I can accurately retell it in child-friendly language. It seemed simple enough when I started, but it's a hefty responsibility to paraphrase the Word of God and help form the faith of a child. What I learned quickly from veteran kidmin leaders is that it's imperative to remember that God's Word is about God. He is the central character. Each passage, or story, reveals more about who God is and His plan for us. It's a subtle shift, but it makes all the difference. What does God do in the story of Jonah? He calls Jonah (Jonah 1:2-3), who immediately ran away. God then sent a huge storm, seemingly to get Jonah's attention (Jonah 1:4). After Jonah instructs the sailors to throw him overboard, God calms the sea and the sailors were in awe of God's power and worshipped Him (Jonah 1:18). Next comes Z's favorite part: glug, glug, glug... and then God sends a fish to swallow Jonah. We read in chapter 2 that Jonah cries out to God from the inside of the fish, which reveals some interesting insight. Jonah describes his ordeal, saying 

"Ocean gripped me by the throat

The ancient Abyss grabbed me and held tight.

My head was all tangled in seaweed

at the bottom of the sea where the mountains take root.

I was as far down as a body can go,

and the gates were slamming shut behind me forever

Yet you pulled me up from that grave alive

Oh God, my God!"

This isn't a man describing his punishment - Jonah is outlining his salvation! God, in His grace, pursued Jonah, and when Jonah called out He saved him from death. And then His next move isn't to lecture or chastise but to offer a second chance - chapter 3 begins with God issuing the same call, in the same words, offering Jonah a do-over. I was reminded as I read my devotional, that God didn't need Jonah to send His message. Clearly God was capable of speaking for Himself. I'm also pretty certain that He could have let Jonah head off to his new life in Tarshish and found a new prophet to speak on His behalf. It's what I would have done. Jonah seems like a real pain; surely it would have been easier to let him off the hook and miss out on God's calling. But God had a message for Jonah as much as He had a message for Ninevah and both messages go something like this: God sees you, and despite your disobedience, He is pursuing you so that you can know Him and His love for you. He knows that you are sinking and He is here to save you. Whoa - that's a long way from "don't disobey God or He will punish you." And if we place Jonah as the central character, we may find a truth but we don't find the Truth that God is telling.

The same is true with the story we are living. 

When I place myself as the central character of my life, the spotlight that shines on my mistakes reveals a story that often feels disjointed and hopeless.  It's the easiest story to see, because it's the one that I can tell on my own. But when God is the central character, when I step aside and let Him both direct and move within the story, then my mistakes reveal more about God's grace than my own hopelessness.  The story is infinitely more beautiful - and at times mysterious - and it always works for my good. It's hard to follow a script that I'm not writing, even harder when I can't look ahead. Sometimes I question where the plot is headed - sometimes I'm tempted to hop in a boat going the opposite direction. 

Jonah delivers God's message, and #classicJonah, he gets mad that God forgives the evil people of Ninevah. He pouts and throws a real fit, where he dares to tell God he ran away to Tarshish because 

"I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!"(Jonah 4:2) 

And when God asks what he has to be angry about, Jonah "just left." (v5) And proceeded to sulk. The nerve of this guy!!! Right there is where I expect God to bring the thunder. But again, He pursues Jonah,and  teaches him a lesson. For whatever reason, God chose to end the book of Jonah there. We don't know what Jonah chose to do next - whether he came to his senses or walked away from God. But then again, the story isn't about Jonah. So does it really matter?

I don't know yet why God placed China on our hearts. I don't know if He'll call us to adopt someday, or if that desire was placed there for another purpose. I do know that God's story will continue to unfold, and my desire is to play whatever role God has for me. And when I struggle with the hard parts of this story and am tempted to shine a spotlight on my mistakes, God is there with the same message He had for Ninevah and for Jonah: 

When I hide, He sees me.
When I run, He pursues me. He reveals Himself to me. He loves me.
When I am sinking, He saves me.
Glug, glug, glug.