Matt and I were watching one of our favorite shows the other night - Parks and Recreation. We had one of those rare and much needed moments of gut-busting laughter when Ron Swanson made the following comment: "There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk." If you aren't laughing right now, I feel sorry for you, or maybe just embarrassed for me because I find that statement to be hilarious.
Regardless of your position on skim milk, you probably have strong feelings about lying. There's a No Lying policy in the Big 10, (as in the 10 Commandments) so it's pretty clear that God is not a fan. (I wonder how He feels about skim milk.....) In fact, Hebrews 6:18 says that "It is impossible for God to lie." When I consider the promises found in Scripture, promises that we depend on, cling to even, I am so grateful that my God is completely trustworthy. Titus 1:2 speaks of "A faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." But God's truthfulness goes beyond an incapacity to lie. James 1:17-18 says that "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." We serve a God who's steadfastly trustworthy. He doesn't just speak the truth, He is the standard for truth. He doesn't vary, or waver, or veer off the path of truth. Not even by the slightest shadow. So when we read His Word, we can be confident that it is true. And as we read His Word and seek to become more like this God who speaks truth only and always, how can we not be offended by even the slightest of lies?
Many parents that I know and respect have a strong policy against lying in their home. Most homes have a few "Big Rules" and No Lying is often one of them. It is not ever tolerated and is met with swift punishment. After reading the above paragraph, and with even the most basic knowledge of the Bible, this makes perfect sense. But I have a confession to make. You may be tempted to judge me, but I implore you after your initial horrific reaction, to continue reading and give me a chance to explain myself.
If I were to list our family's "Big Rules, " I wouldn't include "No Lying."
Gasp, shock, horror, judgement. "Um, hello, your husband is a PASTOR! And you don't think lying is a big deal?!?!" I can hear what you're thinking, and I know, I know. And someday, if my children become derelict, lying cheats, you can say "I told you so." But until then, hold the judgey comments and let me unpack this.
I don't like being lied to any more than the next guy. Or mom, for that matter. And please understand that we do not allow or condone lying. But I have become a student of parenting, and while I'm no expert, I can honestly (seriously, I'm not lying) say that over the years I have watched and studied and all but stalked perhaps hundreds of parents in my pursuit to figure out what successful parenting looks like. As a teacher, parent, and former children's pastor's wife (I'm still married to the same guy - he's just no longer a children's pastor), I have had the opportunity to observe many parents and families. One thing I have seriously and specifically studied is how parents handle lying. Because just like you, I want my children to be truthful and trustworthy. The problem with taking a hard and strong stance on lying is that it is often difficult to catch. I have watched teachers and parents accuse a child of lying, convinced based on evidence that they are correct. And then after the punishment has been doled out and the child serves their sentence, new information comes to light and the child is proved a truth teller and the adult finds themself in a terrible position. Because now, the child has learned that it's not so important whether or not they tell the truth, as it is important that the adult believes it. Conversely, I have watched a child lie and their parent or teacher believe them. With punishment avoided, or even reward handed out, that child learns that the truth is far less important as the ability to sell a lie. Children learn quickly that there are times that the risk of being caught lying is worth it, when the punishment they will receive if they tell the truth is bad enough to attempt deception. It's a gamble, and some children enjoy gambling, especially the ones that are good at lying. I myself was a terrible liar as a child - I have a feeling my parents could tell when I was lying even if their eyes were closed. In fact, I was a bit of a chronic confessor. Most of the time I was so burdened by guilt that I would tell my parents everything I had done wrong before they had a chance to ask. I have this memory of riding in the car on the way home from church, and as I was confessing to my parents like they were the local priest, my mom gently said, "you know, you don't have to tell us every mistake you've made today."
Fast forward 20 some-ish years and we are raising 3 little girls who are quickly showing themselves to be these abstract mixtures of their parents' personalities. Translation: not all of them are chronic confessors. Several weeks ago we began to notice a pattern of, shall we say, untruthfulness, in our middle child. She's not an outright liar so much as she has her own "creative" version of the truth. Oh how that girl loves a technicality. Ask her if she did her homework, and you can see the wheels turning in her head as she reasons "I did do my homework, I did a lot of homework." So she answers yes. But after further investigation you find that she hasn't even begun the packet of reading homework due in 3 days. Busted? Absolutely not, because, incredulously she'll exclaim, "I didn't know you meant ALL my homework! You should have been more clear!" And because she technically hasn't lied and she technically hasn't even failed to do the homework that is actually and imminently due, you, the parent, are completely hosed. Sigh. After a few of these incidents were starting to run together and become a pattern, Matt and I knew we had to figure this out. As a professional stalker, er I mean studier of parents, I knew that if I played this out with a black and white approach, punishing my daughter for lying and accusing her of what was obviously becoming a sin pattern in her life, it would backfire. My brilliant and creative-thinking daughter would only focus on her version of truth and our obviously unfair reaction and at best she might learn to be a better truth-teller so she didn't get in trouble and at worst she would learn to be a better liar so she didn't get caught. But I don't want my daughter to tell me the truth to avoid punishment - that's not a win for me. What I want is for my daughter to love the truth, to be compelled to honesty, and most importantly for God's truthful character to become part of who she is. So instead of focusing on the lie, we chose to focus on the truth. I pulled Sofi aside, after we had a confrontation where I believed she had been dishonest with me. She had thrown something at her sister, and claimed it was an accident (and I believe she had convinced herself that this was true), while I sensed that it was more purposeful. We discussed Truth - how God is truthful, how His Word is truth and how those truths are full and complete and worth celebrating. Then I gently brought up the fact that I had noticed a pattern of partial truths coming from her mouth. I told her what was most important to me was not whether or not she admitted her mistake to me, but that she acknowledged the truth with herself, and then allowed that truth to come into the light. John 8:32 says that "you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." This verse isn't specifically talking about lying - the truth that it refers to here is the Truth that leads to salvation. But throughout Scripture I believe we see that over and over again, when sin is brought into the light and dealt with, when truth is spoken and a course is corrected, there is freedom. Jonah ran from God and was swallowed by a whale - when he admitted his sin, he was literally set free. Joseph's brothers lived with the lies that covered up what they had done to him in secret and when that lie was laid bare and they were forgiven, there was celebration and freedom from not only their sin but from starvation as well. When Adam and Eve lied in the Garden, God brought forth the truth. And while yes, there was a consequence for their sin, God also provided for them and put into motion His plan for redemption. I could go on and on. So I told Sofi I wasn't going to ask her for the truth right now, because I wanted her to take some time to talk to her Heavenly Father to see what He was trying to teach her. And I left it at that.
Later that evening Matt and I called her into our room and again, let her know that we wanted to know the truth of what happened, that we wanted to not only deal with her sin but celebrate the freedom that comes with the truth. This time, she openly confessed, not only what I suspected - that she had intentionally thrown something at her sister - but also, that she had been dishonest with herself and with me. I could tell that this had been a true revelation to her, that God had shone His light of truth into her humanly deceitful heart (as all of our hearts are) and she had discovered something for perhaps the first time. There was a consequence doled out, but more importantly we stopped and thanked God for her truthfulness and the freedom it offered her. And you know what? My little girl's face just shone. Because God's Word is true, and when it promises freedom, it delivers. That night she learned that the cost of lying - the bondage that comes from truth denied - is higher than the reward of getting away with sin. And while I have no doubt she'll lie again (because as sinners we inevitably sin repeatedly), I also know that she thinks differently about telling the truth. Over the days and weeks since that conversation, I have seen a pattern of deceitfulness emerge into a pattern of truthfulness. Not because she doesn't want to get into trouble, but because she knows the freedom of telling the truth.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and again, the Monster of Lies reared its ugly head, this time with our youngest daughter. Because she has only spent 1 of her 4 years of life on this earth in our home, we're still early on in this process of teaching our values, and more importantly God's values. Truth was in no way valued or modeled in her home and so convincing her to be truthful when she might get into trouble is an uphill climb. Seeing as she rarely (possibly never) tells the truth when she thinks she can get away with a lie, we seldom find the opportunity to celebrate truth telling with her. It was getting to be overwhelming, in that "I give up I've already failed and there's no hope" kind of way. The heartbreaking thing was that the thing she continually lies about (incidentally it's wetting her pants), is not something we even discipline her for. Over and over again we promise her that she won't be in trouble, we just want to know the truth so that we can take care of her and keep her safe. However, the fear substantiated by years in a home so different from ours, continually drowns out our promises. But oh how that little girl loves Jesus and is thrilled to hear and learn His Word, so I kept telling her over and over again how the Bible says the truth will set you free. The first time I told her, she gasped, with her tiny little hands clasped together and said, "Free?! I want to be free!" But it would be weeks before that desire would overcome the years of pain and experience that had taught her that lies are acceptable and even safer than the truth. A few days ago we were again faced with one of those moments where I knew the truth that she desperately wanted to hide, and so I prayed that God would help her have the courage to be truthful. It may seem like a little thing, completely inconsequential. But when that little girl admitted with trembling lips and shaking hands that she had just peed her pants, I was so proud of her and I know that Heaven celebrated with as much enthusiasm as we did. "I'm free!" she exclaimed, so completely full of joy. And when she experienced me keeping my promise not to punish her, it did more for her little heart than a thousand words ever could.
So I ask you this: is your home simply a place where lies are not tolerated? Or is it a place where truth is celebrated? When mistakes are made, sin is brought to the surface, and your child is caught in a lie, do they feel backed against a wall of punishment? Are they forced to choose between the harsh bricks of that wall that will certainly cause them pain and the escape hatch of a lie that might just save the day? Or can they find truth like a gate in the wall - which may bring momentary discomfort but is also a doorway to freedom? Take some time this week to read what God's Word has to say not only about lying but about truth and freedom from a sin forgiven. You might find that "No Lying" isn't such an important rule after all.
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